I can't live if living is without you
by kristy87
Summary: When Sara tried to kill herself her real problems come to the surface, will Grissom be there for her, will she be able to manage to cope with her past and will she find the strength to find out and deal with the truth?Rating changed because I’m paranoid…
1. I can't live if living is without you

Okay guys...this fanfic is little bit angsty...

Spoilers: all seasons

Disclaimer: I own nothing…….I wish I would though, I also don't own the lyrics I used in that fic, well normally I only use my own ones, but this time it needed to be that song.

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**I can't live if living is without you **

She felt the tears running down her cheek, she hadn't realized that she was crying before. She hadn't realized anything at all…anything but that demand to end it all. What was life still for? She had lost everything.

Everything.

The man she loved.

The job that had been her life.

Her reputation was destroyed.

Nothing left to live for.

She glanced at the knife that lay on the desk in front of her. She wondered if she was able to do that…committing suicide. Was she strong enough to do this? To do what is a sign for weakness?

He had told her, that he was interested in beauty since he met her once.

He had told her that the lab needed her. _Funny, _she thought. _That lab that needs me simply fired me after five years of hard work I did for these idiots._

He had told her that he needed her. _But he didn't try to hold them back, he did anything to change their minds about firing me!_

He had told that stranger, A STRANGER, that he could care for her,….if it wouldn't mean putting everything he had ever worked for on jeopardy.

He had told that FBI guy that he wouldn't let her be the decoy in the 'strip straggler' case. _Had he done that because he cared for her? Did he ever care for her?_

_He sat on that couch, he had listened to me when I told him about my past. He held my hand. He pretended to care!_

She had seen that look in his eyes when they had reacted the crime on that case with the invisible evidence. The expression in his face when she had spoken out these three little words… 'pin me down'.

He had told her to get a life. _Now he's the one that destroys it._

No, he never cared for me! He never did! Because if he would have done so, he would have never asked her out for dinner! He said no when I asked him to have dinner with me. Ice cold. And now he invites her for dinner. I was paid to follow the evidence…this evidence is clear. The man I love doesn't care a damn bit about me. The man I would give my life for prefers someone else. I can't punish him for that. But I can't live without him. I don't want to live without him.

She wondered if he might ever understand the letter she had sent him.

She wondered if there might be other ways, but honestly, she was to tired of searching for others ways out. She wanted this pain in her heart to end, she wanted to stop loving him, but she couldn't. There was no way she could survive without him.

She knew this would be painful. Maybe a couple of sleeping pills and a lot of alcohol would do a better job. But what if someone found her before it was over?…_No I don't want to spend the rest of my live in a hospital with a damaged brain and with no option to get away. _

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_Three more files to work on. Oh how I hate that paperwork!_

He sighed. Then a letter, trice folded, caught his attention. He opened it. He didn't understand what the lines might want to tell him.He wondered what this was. He wondered who had written this. It was a clear, female handwriting, but a few letters were blurred.

In that moment Sophia entered the room.

"Hey Gris."

"Hey.", he looked up from the letter for a second.

"What's that?"

"I don't know."

"May I?"

He handed her the letter.

She read it. "Mariah Carey."

"Why should Mariah Carey send me a note?"

She rolled with her eyes. "That's a Mariah Carey song. But I honestly doubt she send you this."

"I know that these are lyrics…I wonder what's their meaning."

"Well…that's a sad song, somehow…maybe a suicide note."

Grissom jumped up, took the note out of her hands and stared on it.

"Which case is it from?"

He didn't hear her, he had stormed out of his office. He had to find out who had sent him that note.

Sophia followed him.

"Grissom? That note isn't case related is it?", she asked concerned when she had caught up with him.

"I have to find out who wrote that."

"Let's think about possible …Oh my God!"

"What?"

"Don't say you don't get that!"

"Sophia I don't have the time for puzzles! Tell me if you have an idea!"

"Sara."

Grissom swallowed hard. "Why?"

"She lost her job…she lost you."

"She didn't loose me!"

"Sure she didn't we both know what you feel for her…but she doesn't. And…although the two of us don't give a damn about those rumors about us, maybe she did."

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There was blood everywhere. Her wrists hurt like fire. But the final feeling of relieve, the final feeling of being free soon, paralyzed her thoughts. Never would she have to feel pain again. Never he could hurt her again.

She glanced around the room while she let herself sink down to the ground. _Gladly I'm not the one who has to clean up that mess._

"SARA! SARA!" Someone knocked furiously on her door.

_NO! NOT NOW! What the hell is he doing here, NOW! _

There was no way she would open the door for him. She couldn't stand up anyway, she was already too weak to move.

Suddenly the door broke open. He stormed into the room, finding her lying in a pool of blood, unconscious.

_NO! Sara no! NO! Don't dare to leave me!_

He was glad he had called 911 in the moment he had left his car. Only a few seconds after he had entered her apartment two paramedics entered.

He had tried to stop the bleeding with pressing his cell on the one wrist…ridiculous in his eyes, but it was the first thing he had found in his hands. He had laced his belt around her other wrist, so there was nothing else he could use.

It was as if time went by in slow motion. These seconds were like they'd never went by.

And so were the hours he waited at the hospital for new about Sara. Her blood was everywhere on his clothes, his hands, even his hair. What had he done to make her do this?

If he had known how much he meant to her, that he meant so much to her that she wanted to take her life because of those stupid rumors…he would have never asked Sophia out for dinner.

And now Sara would probably never know that he loved her more than everything else.

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**TBC**

**just to let you know why I changed this chap again. Actually Grissom was reading out the note loud, but due to the new rules that fics in that song lyrics are quoted have to be changed/deleted I had to change it. The letter was the chorus and th efirst verse of the Mariah Carey song 'Without you'

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thanks for reading!


	2. just to hold you again

Okay...I know, this update was due weeks ago! Don't stone me for that...I had an essay to work on and a couple of exams (that I failed...**lol**) okay, so here finally is the update...read it and tell me what you think of it.

Disclaimer : I own nothing

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**just to hold you again**

She looked like an angel…but also like a ghost…why, why could this happen? What had happened to make her so desperate. He held her hand, it was cold. He caressed her cheek, and he felt that there was almost no life in her anymore.

The doctor had told him she wont make it. There was only a five percent chance, she had lost too much blood.

Grissom felt more than desperate, never would he have the chance to be with her, never would he have at least the smallest chance to show her his affection.

There was a tube in her throat to support her breathing, there were tubes and blood transfusions, the sound of the ECG was the only sound that broke the heartbreaking silence.

"Sara…wake up…don't leave me alone. GOD don't let her die. I can't live without her. Don't take her away from me when I just realized how much I love her!", he pleaded, never had he thought he might feel that way, never had he allowed those feelings to him, but now it didn't seem to be important to him anymore. All he wanted was her, alive. He wanted to be with her, for the rest of their lives. He felt tears running down his cheeks, he didn't care. Once he had started to feel for her, once the tears had begun to run down his face, he had stopped caring about what ever anybody could think, he had stopped caring about what he thought of himself, the only thing he cared for was her.

He reached for her hand again, he caressed it softly, his thumb stroke over her fingers softly. Then he dragged her hand to face and kissed it. His lips were warm and they let her hand seem to be even colder. He kissed her hand several times, more and more tears followed the ones that were already running.

He opened his eyes, it was dark, the nurse must have placed something over the monitor of the ECG when he had been sleeping. His back ached, but this was nothing compared to the ache in his heart. Five percent, yes five percent at least…but five percent are only five percent. _She'll only have a chance if she's a real fighter. _The doctor's words ran through his mind again and again, it just wouldn't let him go.

He wondered what had woken him up…it couldn't have been the ECG, he was used to that sound, he had spent about two weeks at her side here now, never leaving her, hoping she would wake up…if only for a few seconds, he wanted to be there.

He didn't remember he had been holding her hand when had been asleep…he was surprised that it felt warmer now, happily surprised. He dragged it closer to his mouth and kissed it softly. "Why can't you wake up Sara? I need you so badly. Sara…please wake up. I need you….damn it you have to be strong! Please my sweet angel…be strong. I need you.", he whispered.

All of a sudden he felt her hand moving a little. Had this just been an illusion? "Sara?" He jumped up and turned the lights on. He didn't take his eyes off of her. She still lay totally still on the bed, not moving, breathing supported by machines, it broke his heart every second that he had to see her like this. He remembered her smile, that bright smile he had loved to see, what would he give to see her smile again? His own life, he would do everything to change roles right now, he wished he would be the one on that bed, struggling with death. What the hell had driven her to do that? What had hurt her so much, why did she feel that desperate?

He knew asking himself these questions again and again wouldn't make it any better. She was the one he should ask, she was the one who…had he just seen her moving a finger?

"Sara…Sara can you hear me?", Grissom sounded desperate.

Tears were running down his cheeks, re kneeled down next to her, holding her hand, kissing it. He cried. Suddenly she opened her eyes. "Oh God thank you!", he whispered. "Sara…Sara, my sweet Sara…Sara I love you so much! Don't leave me!"

He held her hand, he leaned over her, he brushed a strand of hair out of her face, then his free hand stroke over her cheek and caressed it softly. "Sara…I need you. Don't dare to leave me.", he whispered.

A nurse and a doctor entered the room, they must have seen what had been going on in the room. The doctor took the tube out of her throat, the nurse helped her drinking some water.

Her breathing was heavy, her eyes were glistering, tears were close to run over her cheek.

Why? God why do you want to put me through that hell again? Why can't you just let me do what I want to do! I don't want to live this life anymore! Why do you want to put me through another hell?

She closed her eyes, hoping that if she pretended to sleep Grissom would leave. She didn't want to see him. She couldn't stand it if he was there, she had wanted to end it, she had been so damned sure about that and then he showed up, destroying her plans, then telling her he'd love her, and for what? Just to rip her heart out once again. Just to destroy her even more, just to make her life more of a hell than it had already been.

She felt he was still there. Why to hell didn't he leave? She hadn't said anything to him, why did he think she wanted to see him anyways?

"Leave.", she said softly, her throat hurt, she desperately needed some more water, but she wouldn't ask him for help, she'd rather stay in pain.

"No Sara….didn't you understand what I told you?"

She sighed. "Leave.", her voice sounded weaker than before.

"Sara, don't send me away. I spent the last fourteen days and nights next to your bed…don't send me away, I …I don't want to ….I don't want to leave. Sara I…"

Now tears ran over her cheek. "Leave. Damn it Grissom, leave!"

He leaned over her, that pleading, desperate expression in his face broke her heart. She didn't want to feel sorry for him. Not after all he had done to her.

"Sara…I love you. Can't you understand that."

"What I don't understand is why you can hurt me for all these years, when you, like you said, love me. If that should be love, I really don't want to know what hate is….leave. Grissom I…" , he cut off her sentence, his lips pressed against hers. She would have pressed him away if she'd have the strength and will to do so. _Why, Why do I give in now? If you give in now he'll destroy you even more!_

His hand caressed her cheek again. She wanted to turn away but she couldn't. Tears of anger and pain ran down her cheek.

"Sara…I know I have been an asshole…I have been a real bastard…but…you have to believe me. I can't live without you. All the time I sat next to you all I wanted was just to hold you again. I wanted to see that bright smile on your face again, I want to hear you laugh, I want to…"

"…my smile died in the second that you ripped out my heart and tore it into pieces."

_She hates me_. He stood up and went over to the chair. He took his jacket off from it and out it on. "Okay…I'll leave…if you really want me to leave I will leave, but you can be sure that nothing will ever change the way I feel for you….I will always love you Sara."

"Leave."

He felt as if she had just ripped his heart out of his chest, she had ground it into the dirt with her heels. Somehow he damned himself for thinking she would forgive him what he had done. He knew how much he had hurt her, why had he thought it could be that easy. He knew if he'd leave now he might never have the chance to talk to her again because she might not let him…but he felt that leaving was the only thing he could do, she wanted him to leave, it hurt her to see him. He didn't want to hurt her anymore, he had done this way to may times.

He left the room, he shot the door behind him, he walked down the hallway. That feeling that he should still be in that room was growing more and more. When he had reached the parking lot he turned around, went back in and entered her room again.

"Sara, listen to me, you can't send me away! I was here for weeks, I sat there next to you, I was more than just concerned, the fact that you tried to take your life because of something I did was killing me…and it still does. Sara all I need is…you are the sense of my life, I realized that in the second I saw you lying on the floor in that pool of blood. Sara, I wont leave."

She swallowed hard.

"Sara I love you and I know you love me too. I want you to promise me to stay strong, don't dare to leave me, you will promise me that you will make it…I wont take 'no' as an answer!"

They were both crying, he sat down on her bed, close to her. She couldn't help it, denying that she wouldn't need him was ridiculous, he knew she needed him and she knew she'd be lost without him. He leaned down to her, she twined her arms around his neck and he leaned closer to her. He softly kissed her lips again. His hands softly slipped down her waist to her hips. "I just wanted to hold you again my angel.", e whispered softly into her ear. "Don't leave me. You are the only person I ever loved…don't leave me. I need you. I need you to be with me. And I promise, I swear, that I will make you happy…if you let me."

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okay…it was short and it's kind of a cliffhanger (only kind of) I hope you like that story at least a little…I would love to r

ead some reviews!

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter!

I promise the next update will be much sooner than this one.


	3. take my hand, I'll lead you through the ...

Disclaimer: I own nothing

I hope you like that chapter….I somehow liked writing it :)

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**Take my hand, I'll lead you through the dark **

She slept more than 20 hours a day, things finally looked better for her. The doctors said that she was stabilized now and that her chances were high, but they had also told Grissom that not the injuries the suicide attempt had left on her, but the injuries that must have driven her so far that she actually tried to kill herself were dangerous ones. Grissom had tried to talk with her about it, but it was hard to even get her to talk to him.

When she was awake, she only was for about twenty minutes, and she spend those minutes with staring against the wall, forcing herself to ignore him.

He sat next to her, every single minute. The urge to hold her hand was almost irresistible, but he knew she wouldn't let him.

The pain was not what hurt her. She couldn't tell what was it exactly, she only knew that she wanted not to see him. But she couldn't make him leave, he wouldn't leave. Now when she knew he loved her everything was even worse. Somehow deep inside hers he hoped he would only tell her that he loved her to keep her away from trying to kill herself again, then she wouldn't hurt him. Although that feeling of hate grew inside of her, that feeling of hating him for saving her life, she couldn't stop loving and caring for him. But what was she supposed to do? That man had destroyed her life. He was the reason for all her emotional breakdowns. He was the reason why she had lost her temper that often in the last month…not only him, her family history was one reason too, but the feeling of being ignored by the man she loved was actually the one thing that had started the domino stone that had thrown all the other stones down. In the last month she had felt as if everything had been against her, first her suspension, then Grissom asking Sophia out for dinner…that had been more than she could take. Grissom dating that person, someone he , too, worked with…He hadn't tried to save her job when she had another argument with Ecklie, he hadn't tried to protect her…_why do I want to protect him now?_

Grissom realized that she was awake again. He knew it couldn't stay the way it was. He needed to talk with her. His chair was close to the bed. He leaned forward, now leaning over her. "Sara?", he whispered.

She couldn't help, she had to turn her face to him. She knew that he was what she needed, she loved him…but still the feeling that she rather wanted to be death filled her out.

Grissom couldn't hide the happiness he felt when she finally looked at him. "Sara…let's talk, please."

She nodded softly. _Maybe, when we talk, maybe …maybe I will find a way out of this._

He smiled relieved. "How do you feel?"

"I feel that I rather want to be dead.", she said softly, looking straight into his eyes, watching how the expression in his eyes changed.

He swallowed hard, he took her hand into his, dragged it up to his lips and kissed it softly. "Why?"

"Because I…because all these problems I wanted to solve with taking my life are still there…and I am sick of them. I don't want to go through this shit. I want to be free…I don't want to feel this pain anymore!", tears blurted out of her.

"Do you need painkillers?", he knew by the moment he spoke this out that she hadn't talked about physical pain.

"Can't you see how much you hurt me? You left me alone when I needed you the most…you …you are the reason for all this."

He took a deep breath. He had known that, but hearing her speaking this out….broke his heart. "I…I never meant to…"

"You never meant to show your feelings, let's stay realistic here Grissom…as soon as they let me out of here I will end it and I wont be stupid again…I will do something that will end it for sure…I should have thought about that before…I should have jumped off a skyscraper or so...we have enough of that stuff here."

"Why do you want to…"

"Because I can't take it anymore."

"But I thought….if I am the reason for this pain let me make it better. Give me a chance! I want to make you happy. Just let me!", he pleaded.

"I don't want to be happy…because when you have been happy once the fall down does hurt even more."

"I will make you happy for the rest of my life!"

"Isn't that what you guys always promise?"

"Sara…Sara….I…love you."

"You already said that."

"Then why don't you believe me?…if you think I only say this to save you from doing that stupid mistake to try to take your life again…than you are wrong. Yes, I confess, it took me years to realize how much you mean to me…and yes I realized this in the moment I kneeled in your blood and tried to save your life…but that doesn't change a thing. Sara you are the first woman I ever really loved. And…"

"…I don't want to hear that."

"Why not?…are you afraid that it could change your mind? Changing your mind is not a bad thing….hell why are you so bullheaded?"

"I am not."

"Sara…give me a chance to proof you that…"

"…if I would give you a chance you would hurt me again."

"No! Sara…"

"...Why didn't you stop them from firing me?"

"I thought it was the best to give you a break."

"You see…what you think is the best is not really the best."

"Committing suicide isn't the best Sara."

"I never said this….it's the easiest way out…I'm tired of fighting."

"Why?"

"I fought for years…I can't do this anymore. I don't want to fight anymore…I'm tired of this."

He leaned closer to her, his lips softly touched hers when he whispered. "Sara…you wont have to fight anymore, I will fight for you…I just give ma a chance. Take my hand and I'll lead you through the dark. Trust me. I will let you see the light."

The tears that ran down her cheeks weren't tears of defiance anymore and she realized that. "I have never been loved Grissom…I never knew how this would feel…"

"…but now you know?", he asked with a tone of hope in his voice.

She nodded softly. "Yes.", she cried out. Her arms twined around his neck.

He kissed her softly, his hand caressing her.

"I…I don't know what to feel.", she confessed.

"Feel loved. Feel that you are the love of my life."

"And then?"

"Love me back."

"I love you more than words can say Grissom…but that's not the point…I…I don't think I am able to forgive neither you nor me anything of what happened in the past."

He had pulled away from her, now he stared at her, scared.

"Grissom…I…I have a problem.", she broke a silence that had laid between them for a couple of minutes.

"We will solve this, together."

She looked at him, tears still running down her cheek. "I am not sure if can do this."

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next chap will follow soon ...I promise. ...please leave a review...that would be great


	4. I'm with you

Thanks to everybody who reviewed the last chapters, thank you so much!

Disclaimer: I own nothing (sadly)

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**I'm with you**

"It was like being caught and locked in…in a dark hole…or something like that. I..I couldn't see nor find a way out…because everything around me was dark. I had nothing to cling to…I lost the man I loved, I lost my job, my friends…I had no one to talk to…I was all alone…making a new start…_was_ a possibility…but, I just was too tired to fight. I was a fighter for my whole life…from the day I was born on…I had to fight. When my father got home drunk and began to beat my mom I ran away, I locked myself into my room…when he followed me and tried to open the door I put all I could find against the door so that he couldn't open it. When he began to beat my brother I screamed at him…when he began to beat me I fought back…when my mother began to fight back I fought against her…when my mother killed my father I began to hate her…when I was sent to a foster home I had to fight all those that pretended their pity and…those that treated me even worse, those that said… 'look there's the girl whose mother killed her father…don't get near her, she might do the same with you.'…I had to fight for a scholarship…I put all my powers into my study, I learned hard, I worked harder…when I finished college I went back to Frisco, I worked hard to become what I was and then it was all destroyed. I felt lost, more than lost in the first moments…then I thought I found a resolution I wouldn't have to fight anymore, I wouldn't have to cry anymore, I wouldn't have to feel anymore. I was so tired of feel things…all the pain that he caused, all the pain that my father had caused, the pain that my mother had caused…all my life I had felt so much pain…too much and I wanted it to stop right then…I wanted to stop it…", her voice was soft, she lay on the couch and stared up

"Have you ever talked with someone about your familiar problems?"

"Only with my PEAP counselor, and…and a friend."

"Who's that friend?"

"He…my supervisor…._former_ supervisor."

"There's more…right?"

Sara nodded softly. "He's the one who…who…who I was talking about when I said that I lost the man I loved."

"Why did you loose him?"

"I didn't loose him…but I didn't know that when I…was about to take my life."

"Why did you think you lost him?"

"Just a few days after I had told him about my past he had asked a colleague out to dinner. I thought he'd understood that telling him about my familiar problems was…was like…I mean I opened my up to him, I told him everything…and he just…asks someone else out for dinner…that…"

"…maybe he just didn't know how to deal with his feelings."

"That's what he told me…after my suicide attempt…and…he told me that he loves me. I know now that…that I have to fight…again…but he gives me the strength to do so."

"Are you doing this for him?"

"No…I am here because I realized that I have a problem."

The psychologist nodded. "So…what do you think is your problem?"

"I think I am depressive…often…and…I know that this is not because of him."

"Who is 'him'…I mean what's his name?"

"Gil."

"Okay…then don't say 'him'…say his name."

"I know that Gil isn't responsible for my depressions. I mean…sure I felt unloved, alone and disappointed because of him…but the fact that I am that depressive must be something else…because…although he told me that he loves me…and he shows me that he loves me…he cares for me he…although he's doing all this I am still not happy…I mean…I was released from hospital last week…he had brought me to his house, because he doesn't want me to be alone all the time…he says he wants to spend as much time as possible with me…he started working again the day after I left the hospital…he calls me three or four times while e is at work…I mean…he really cares for me and I know that he's not calling me all the time because he's fearing that I could try to kill myself again…he does so because he really …loves me….I just….don't know why I am still depressed."

"You said you lost your job..."

"…yes."

"Why?"

"I freaked out….I was insubordinate to my colleagues and my bosses, and…I blew up on suspects…I think it was understandable that they fired me….I'm over that…I will find something else."

"So …you should know what your problem is then."

Sara sighed. "I…could live with that all my life I…"

"…there's a difference between what we can live with and what we can deal with."

"It never affected me that much that I would say that…"

"…this happens subconsciously…but…you already said that there were problems with your family that effected you…I think you already made the first steps to cope with your past…but you have to understand one thing, something that most victims do, they blame themselves for what happened, and this often results in suicide attempts. But the victim can never be responsible!"

Tears ran down Sara's cheek. "I don't think that I am not responsible."

"Why? What could you have done to prevent it?"

"It's not that I could have prevent it…I…just should have tried to change it…I am not as responsible as my mother is, but…"

"…why do you think your mother is responsible?"

"She killed my father."

"Because he abused her..."

"…that doesn't change a thing. She's a murderer, she took a person's life…she should have spend the rest of her life in prison…but these idiots believed all her lies and let her go after three years…they…just let her go. She killed my father and she was never punished…she is responsible."

The psychologist swallowed hard. "Can you remember the night when your mother killed your father?"

"It was about three am…I heard screams…he screamed, she screamed…I heard the usual sounds of his hands beating her, smashing her head against the wall…I heard her beating him with things she could find…normally these were plates or books. Then I waited for him to come upstairs as usual, grabbing me by the arm and smashing me against the wall…then he would go into my brothers room and they would fight…but he didn't come upstairs this night. Because suddenly everything was quite. The haunting silence filled the house and I left my bed to see what had happened. Then I saw him, lying in my parents bed room,….in a pool of blood. She hadn't just stabbed him once, there was so much blood, everywhere, on the walls, on the bed…the ground of course. She kneeled over his dead body, pushing that knife into his chest again and again.", she cried out loud. "She didn't just try to protect herself or us, this was revenge, ice cold revenge."

"Your mother was the victim of domestic violence and abuse…she…"

"…she was sent to a psychiatric clinic, for a while…they made a profile of her and…she had to stay there. When she had been released I was taken away from the foster family I had lived in, the first place that I ever had found something like…something peace-like…I was brought back to her. One evening her _'lawyer' _came to visit her. And…when he left her bedroom she said something like 'I'm glad these morons in the clinic bought that _poor victim mommy_ number…tiger you're ideas have always been the best.'…she wasn't the victim. My father was….yes he was abusive, he wasn't a man I would not blame for abuse…but…he wasn't killed because he abused us, he was killed because my mother wanted to be with that bastard of a lawyer…she…that bitch killed my father…"

"How old were you when you overheard that conversation?"

"About…fourteen."

The woman nodded. "Do you feel responsible for your father's death?"

"I do…and I am…if I wouldn't have been that scared I could have prevent my father's death. He was a good father…in the times he wasn't drunk….he cared for me and my brother, he cared for my mother….he worked hard for our b and b….he…he was a good person. He went to church each Sunday with us, he never forget our birthdays….he was good father despite the fights. He helped the neighbors he…"

"…we tend to supplant the bad, negative things…but that's exactly what leads us to our wrong conclusions. Miss Sidle I think I now can imagine what your real problem is…it's complex and we'll need time to get you coping with it. First you will have to realize, that your mother may have not been the victim she pretended to be, but she was a victim. Your father was abusive, to her, and to his children. He abused you and your brother…that is something a person has to be punished for…not with death, but…he has to be punished. You shouldn't feel sympathy for someone who abused you…Your mother possibly tried to protect you in that night. Maybe she lied when it came to prevent a life time in prison…and maybe she didn't do that for you, but this doesn't change the fact that she tried to protect you in that night."

"I…I don't believe that."

"I have another patient now…my secretary will arrange another appointment with you."

Sara nodded softly and sat up.

"It will be hard, but you will be able to cope with that soon."

Sara forced a little smile and left the room.

Grissom sat outside the building on a bench. She walked over to him and smiled softly.

"You bought yourself some ice-cream?"

"Yeah…I wanted to bring you some too…but raspberry was out…and I know you only like raspberry."

Sara grinned and sat down next to him.

He took her hand in his free one and squeezed it softly, then he laid his arm around her and dragged her closer. She leaned against his chest. Looking up to him.

"You want to taste it? Not only raspberry tastes good."

"What is it?…bug flavor?"

Grissom grinned. "Lemon.", he held the ice-cream wafer to her mouth.

She grinned and tasted it. "No...not my flavor.", she said grinning.

"What about this one?", he leaned his head down to her and kissed her softly.

"Oh yeah…definitely….even better than raspberry."

"How was the conversation with the psychologist?"

"I…don't know how to describe it…it was…it felt awkward …somehow… but…okay…I know what my problem is now…or better said she thinks she knows it and she will try to convince me.", Sara sighed. "I think…she can help me."

Grissom smiled softly. "Are you okay honey?"

She nodded. "I'm with you."

Grissom softly caressed her. "You know…when you want me to come to the next appointment with you, you just have to say it."

"I appreciate that…but…like I already told you…I have to go through this part of my life alone…", she smiled softly at him. "But I will not go through every other part of my life alone…and…I appreciate this even more."

He kissed her on the top of her head and she snuggled against his chest.

"There's something I haven't done jet…something I should have done earlier.", she said softly and turned around to face him, she look his free hand with her both hands and looked into his eyes. "Grissom…thank you for saving my life."

* * *

I hope you liked that chapter, I wrote about six versions of it and this one was the one that I decided to upload, I so wasn't sure how to write that chapter.

I'd love to get some reviews….byebye kristy….oh, and chapter 5 will be up asap


	5. run for cover

Disclaimer: I own nothing, otherwise Grissom and Sara would already be together!; )

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**Run for cover**

When Grissom parked his car in front of his house a man who was knocking furiously against his door caught his attention. Panic immediately rose up in him, why didn't Sara open the door? Was something wrong with her? She was supposed to be at home! He almost jumped out of his car and ran over to his entrance.

_Why can't he leave? Why the hell is he here anyways? Haven't I told him to leave it alone? Haven't I told him that I don't want to see that woman ever again! Why is he doing that to me? He never understood why I couldn't forgive her! Why is he doing this to me!_

She hoped he'd leave, she hoped Grissom would come home and help her, she wanted him to be already here with her, she needed him, NOW.

"What's wrong?", he asked out of breath.

The man turned to him. "Who are you?"

"Gil Grissom…that's my house….why are you…"

"…does a Sara Sidle live here?"

"Yes…why are you…"

"…good I was almost scared this is the wrong house."

Grissom was still out of breath. "Why are you knocking on the door so furiously?"

"She's not opening."

Grissom swallowed hard, he opened the door with his keys, his hands were shaking. "Wait here…I'll search for her.", he said with shaking voice.

He entered the house and closed the door behind him. He felt his heart beating faster and faster, fear rising up in him quicker and quicker. He entered his living room, finding a crying Sara sitting on the couch, her knees pressed against her chest, her head resting on her knees.

He walked over to her and sat down on the couch next to her. He put his arms around her and dragged her close to him. She buried her face in his shirt and pressed herself against his chest. She was shaking. Grissom held her close to him. "Honey…what's wrong?….Darling, what's wrong?", he realized that he was shaking too. "Has this something to do with that guy out there?"

She nodded softly, she pulled away from him, his arms were still around her, she lay her hands on his upper arms. She faced him, her eyes were red, she must have cried for a long time. She took a deep breath. "Would you…please….send him away?"

Grissom nodded. "I will…just…just tell me who this is….and…why…why you are so…"

"Please send him away.", she cried out.

Grissom kissed her softly on her forehead and stood up. His hands slipping down from her shoulders over her arms to her wrists. "I will send him away angel."

"Thanks.", she whispered softly.

_Finally he's here! Finally he is here…he will send him away…he will send him away and tell him he can go to hell…and he will take care of me…I wont have to talk to him…no way I will talk to him ever again…he tried to force me to come with him to see her…I don't care if she dies…she deserved the death penalty years ago…no way I will go to her and pretend I could forgive her for destroying my life! No way! NO damned WAY!_

Grissom walked over to the door and opened it. Before the man could jump inside he stepped out. "She wants me to send you away."

"Is she alright?"

"No…not really…she…but she will be okay, …I hope she will be okay."

The man swallowed hard. "Would you please give her this.", he handed Grissom and envelope. "Tell her if she changes her mind she should call me…I'd pick her up from the airport…tell her that…that it's really important for …she should come…she…we need her.", the man said and left without saying anything else.

Grissom entered the house again. Sara stood near him, leaning against the wall.

"He gave me this for you.", he handed her the envelope. "And he said that…"

"…they need me."

"Yes.", Grissom wanted to know who this guy was, but he knew she had to tell him on her own…she wouldn't tell him if she wasn't ready to do so and he wouldn't force her into something she didn't want to do.

"You have that look…"

"What look?"

"He's my brother."

Grissom stepped closer to her and laid his arms around her waist.

"He…he called me about hundred times in the last weeks…I never answered his calls."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I…I don't know…I didn't want to think about why he was calling…I just tried to pretend he just didn't try to call me at all.", she cried even more.

"Sara….you don't have to tell me if you don't want to...take your time."

"No…it's okay…I don't know how he found out that I am here…he wants me to come home to…it's about my mother…she…she will die…and she wants to see me…we haven't seen each other since I left home for Harvard…I just can't…see her…it's not good for me."

"What if I'd go there with you?…Sara don't get me wrong, I can hardly understand how you might feel because what you have been through is more than only horrible, and I have never been through something comparable, but…I really think you should take a last chance to talk with your mother about that…this could help to…refresh your memory about things you might have understood wrong because you were a child."

"I can't talk to that woman!"

Grissom dragged her closer to him and pressed her softly against his chest. His hands caressing her back. "I would come with you…Sara I really think you should do that…and if you can't do it alone I will be there with you….I know you said you wanted to go through this all alone…but…Sara I will help you if you need me…you can always count on me."

"You already took so much time off when I was in the hospital…I don't want you to get in danger to loose your job."

"Sara….all I care about is you…damn that job…I have the right to take my vacation times whenever I want…I still have about 6 or 7 weeks on the books…so don't worry about that…if you want to go there and if you want _me_ to go there _with_ you…_I will be there_ for you."

She looked deep into his eyes, her brown eyes still filled with tears. "You don't know how much this means to me.", she said softly and kissed his lips, she looked into his eyes again, feeling her heart literally melting away. "You don't know how much I love you for this."

Grissom wiped the tears away from her cheeks with his thumbs. "Are these tickets?", he asked and pointed on the envelope.

"I think so." _He wants me to go there! I can't go there! I can't!_

"Sara…you should really do this…not for her…for you…you don't have to forgive her…going there doesn't mean that you have to forgive her…it means that you are strong enough to face her…take that last chance to tell her into her face for what you blame her…let out all your anger…show her how much she hurt you…and then listen to her when she tells you the story from her point of view…afterwards you can decide what you want to do…"

"…I can't go and see her.", she shook her head.

He held her head in his hands, making her facing him again. "Sara…", his voice was serious. "You have to see her and you have to talk to her…that's the only way how you can at least forgive yourself!"

She tried to look away from him, but she couldn't, not because he held her, but because she knew he was right. She hated it when she had to admit that someone else was right, especially when it came to things that were about her feelings or state of mind. She sighed softly.

A light smile flashed over Grissom's lips. He knew she had realized that he was right. He kissed her softly and gently stroke through her hair with his hands.

"Will you go there with me, please?", she asked with a soft and shaking voice.

"I will…you wont have to do this alone."

She looked at him, she looked straight into his eyes, she had never felt something like this for someone before, this wasn't just love… "Grissom…I…God I…I love you so much…it's not love anymore, it's something so incredible…something so…strong…I …don't know how to describe it."

"I know what you mean…words can describe how much I love you…Sara I would be so totally lost without you…I know I'd love you for the rest of my life when I first saw you…and I hate myself for never allowing these feelings to me…we lost so much time!"

"We still have all the time in the world…", _God we really have all the time in the world…I would never be that stupid again and I will never ever feel the urge to end my life as long as I am with you. _"…I will be here as long as you want me to be with you."

Grissom felt his heart literally jumping, butterflies in his stomach almost let his feet leave the ground. "I will never let you go…I let you leave once…I turned down chances too often…I wont ever…never ever…let you go…I want you to be with me, forever…I know it's maybe idiotic to say this because we're…we're in a relationship for not more than two months now…but…I mean my feelings for you have always been there…and I know that they will never change…Sara I will always love you and I will be there for you in good and bad times…and if you want me to swear this to God I will do…right now, if you want me to buy a band for you right now, I would do it, if you would want me to be the father of your children I would…I would buy a cradle right now…I…" _God, I can't believe I can suddenly open myself that much for her! I can't believe I told her that…_, he sighed softly. _I have never loved someone as much as I love her…I would die without her…I need her to be with me forever…and I don't want her just to say this…I want her to want this too._

Sara laughed softly. "…Grissom…I was so totally wrong about you."

"How do you mean this?", he asked confused.

"I…I mean I…I always though you couldn't be opened…I…"

"…I changed."

"You did…we both did I think….thank God we did.", she kissed him softly. _Did he really say this? Did he really say he wants to be the father of my children? Did he say he wants to marry me? And did he say that he doesn't want to do this just 'one day', did he really say he would do this just right now?_

He cleared his throat. "I meant what I said Sara…just…I mean I want you to know that I am serious about that."

"I know that you are…and I feel the same for you..."

"…but?"

"…but…I don't think I am ready for…for such a step right now." _I wish I hadn't said this! Now I hurt him! GREAT SARA! You hurt the man you love! You are so stupid!_

He stroke a strand of hair out of her face. "I know.", he swallowed hard. He really knew that she wasn't ready for this, he maybe wasn't too…

"I'm so sorry, Grissom I…"

"…Angel it's okay…I know that it's way too early for this…I know that.", he said softly and kissed her.

"I think I have to call my brother now.", she said softly.

* * *

Thanks to everybody that reviewed. Reviews make my day…even the bad ones, because I am really a fan of constructive criticism. I know this chapter was really…blahblahblah….but I needed a chapter that shows that Grissom really stands behind Sara 1000ly and she needed to know that too.

For the angst fans…It will be enough angst in the next chapters…so don't worry, this story will not turn into a totally blahblah story…I just thought both (Grissom and Sara) need a little safety when it comes to their relationship. At least I managed to introduce her brother : )

I hope you liked this chap anyways, reviews would be really great : )


	6. remember

Disclaimer: I own nothing

IMPORTANT: Please notice, this chapter is very angsty…IMHO…so if you don't like angst better don't read. It's revealing a big secret from Sara's past.

* * *

****

**Remeber**

Staring at her wouldn't make it better. Not talking to her wouldn't help at all, leaving, running away and hiding wouldn't change a thing. _Why can't I stop staring at her? Why is it so hard for me to just tell her into the face how much I hate her for what she did? Why am I so weak? I can kick ass if it comes to the world's greatest morons…I can tell those idiots off that…but they all aren't like her…they all didn't kill my father._

"Sara…I am so glad you came here."

_Can't she just shut up? God, hearing her voice drives me crazy! _Sara swallowed hard.

"Do you want to sit down next to me?"

NO, No I don't want to sit down next to you. I don't even want to be here at all, I wish I could just leave and…forget what happened in that night that YOU killed my father!

"Would you introduce your friend to me?"

_I so hate you!_

"I'm Gil Grissom."

Now he's talking to her! Great, fall into my back, will you now turn that knife in it around again? Would be great…GREAT.

Grissom dragged Sara close to him, he lay his arm around her waist.

"Sara…I know you're not here to …be there for me."

"Right _Laura_, I am not here to be there for you…I am here because you never were there for me…and…_that_ is why I have huge problems when it comes to authority, or in general relationships to others…sorry that _I didn't_ came to cheer _you_ up Laura…" Sara got louder and louder, when Grissom cut off her sentence she was almost shouting.

"…Sara, Sara calm down!", his hands lay on her upper arms, he wasn't holding her with much power, she stopped when he held her.

GOD I don't want to stop! That woman should get what she deserves…God, why does he hold me like this? He knows I can't go on shouting at her when I am melting away in his arms.

Her breathing normalized itself after a few moments, Grissom let go off her arms, she sat down on the chair next to her. "Could you leave us alone…please?", she asked softly.

Grissom wanted to refuse her plea, he knew what she might do if he'd leave, but he knew she had to talk to her mother alone. _There is something she can't talk about with me…she didn't tell me everything when I came to her apartment after she was suspended…I wish she would have told me what she had been talking about with the psychologist…she says she loves me, why doesn't she tell me everything? I thought we'd trust each other…does she think I couldn't love her if she's telling me the whole truth?_

Sara stared at her mother, she felt those feelings of anger and hate rising up in her, she wished she'd be somewhere where she could really let out all her anger. "Why…", her voice was shaking. "Laura…tell me what happened in that night…I have to know…"

"Your father… loved no one else but the alcohol… and he drank too much of it every night. I don't know if you can remember the night that that was probably the worst one except for the one that I had to defense myself with a knife…he had punched me so hard that I faint for a while, I can't remember for how long…I only know that, when I woke up again I found him in Ben's room…you lay on the ground, he had pushed you away when you…you little girl, only four years old, had tried to help your older brother…you have always been a fighter…you lay in a pool of blood…that bastard had thrown his own daughter against the doorframe, so hard that she had lost her conscience and lay on the ground in her own blood…your brother, lay on his bed, your father was still punching him…"

"…you …I don't want to…", tears ran down Sara's cheek while her mother stayed totally serious, although the hate Laura Sidle still felt for Sara's father was hearable in her voice.

"…we don't want to hear the truth…because we hate what we hear…the night when I…the night that he died…was even worse. Don't tell me you don't remember how often he had smashed your door to use you as his punching bag…he had started to hit me that night…it was worse than ever before, you …you were too young to see what was going on…when we drove to the hospitals this was like some trips too theme parks…you were always excited about what was going to happen…and when he began to hurt you so bad that you had to be examined at the hospital you thought that…that this was special…you were four years old when you cried for the first time…this was when you realized that he was abusing Ben too…Sara you were a child when all this happened, your father treated you like a princess when he wasn't drunk…he took us too church to pretend we were the perfect family, and at night he'd take us to the hospital, pretending that you fell down the stairs, that your brother fell down his tree house…your father wasn't the man he pretended to be…and in that night that I killed him to defense you…"

"…no…don't say this…_you didn't kill him for me_…don't dare to say this!" _Who does she think she is! Does she think I'd forgive her if she'd tell me my father was a horrible person whom she killed to save my life! _

"…first we were in the kitchen…then he ran upstairs, shouting, drunk, throwing picture frames from the walls at me, me who was following him. I still hear his screams at night, when I sleep…he shouted so loud, all the guests heard him, some came out of their rooms…I assured them that everything was okay…if I'd just told them that it wasn't…then you would still be able to love me."

_Now she's going that route! Does she really think I am that stupid?_

"He ran into our bedroom, when he realized that this wasn't the place where he wanted to be he was about to leave it. I stood in the doorframe, I was in his way. He wanted to punch me aside…but he wouldn't, I told myself that I wouldn't let him go after you…I knew what he'd do that night with you…I had seen these pictures, I had seen all the things that he was dreaming about doing with you! Sara I knew I couldn't let him do this with you! I wouldn't let him go after you…I…I had that knife in my hand and when …when I wasn't able to make him stop…"

Sara was crying out loud, she couldn't take this anymore. "No…No! You were too late! Because he was already doing this to me! It would have been your duty to save me…but you didn't! You were so much too late you can't even imagine!", She was shaking, shouting and her fists were punching the wall.

Grissom sat in the hallway, he heard Sara screaming, he couldn't wait here outside when she obviously needed him. He stormed into the room, he took Sara into his arms. She buried her face in his shirt and pressed herself against his chest. She was still shaking, she wished she could stop, but she couldn't she had never told anyone about what her father had done to her…she had forgotten it herself, she had thrown this out of her mind, she had told herself over and over again that her father would have never been able to do something like this. She hadn't even told her psychologist about this…she had locked it away deep inside of her and now…now it had just been released.

"Let's go back to the hotel Angel…let's go back.", he whispered. He didn't really know what to do, Sara was crying, almost collapsing in his arms and Laura Sidle sat on the bed, staring into the air without actually starring. It was weird, he somehow had the feeling that neither Sara nor Laura should be alone right now, but he knew that Sara shouldn't be here now. She could come back to her mother later.

But Sara shook her head. "No…no I wont leave now…Grissom…there's something you don't know and this is something that I had locked away, something I…almost forgot myself because I locked it away so deep…this is something that I don't know if…if I want you to know about…but…I have to tell you this…just not now…I am here because I…I wanted to know what had happened in that night…I know some parts now…but I don't found the answers to my questions…Grissom…I …I can't leave now."

"Sara this is…you are totally devastated!", he damned himself for making her going here.

"Grissom…just let me cry…let me be devastated…maybe it will help…and if not…then hell I will be devastated, but I know that…that there is someone who will always be with me, and that's you…so don't worry okay…I will be okay.", she had stopped crying, she was suddenly totally calmed, it was as if her words had calmed her totally down, in contrast to Grissom who was still totally concerned. She forced a smile. "Gil…just wait for me outside…I will be there soon…give me a few more minutes."

Grissom swallowed hard. "Sara…"

"…please."

When Grissom had left Sara sat down on the chair next to her mother. Laura Sidle wasn't moving at all, she sat in her bed, staring at the wall. Sara reached out for her mother's hand.

"I thought I could save you…what a mother a I? I let my husband rape my daughter…I let my husband abuse my baby!"

"Mom…you did everything you could.", Sara said softly.

"He raped you."

"You couldn't know."

"I should have! I should have known!"

"Mom…when he was dead…and I came back home from the foster family…I once heard you and…your lawyer...talking after he had left your bedroom…you told him something like…it was…it sounded to me as if you killed Dad to be free for him."

Laura looked at her daughter, shocked. "Sara…did you believe this?"

"I had…locked the memories of Dad away…all I knew was what I heard then and…I started believing that…"

"…You thought that me and the lawyer had an affair…you thought I killed your father because…"

"…actually I thought you killed Dad because you were sick of him…I thought you killed him because…yes maybe because you had an affair with someone else…and I just locked the bad things away."

Laura softly squeezed Sara's hand. "Now I know why you couldn't wait to get away from home…now I know why you never called, why you never visited us, why you didn't even come to Ben's wedding…why you didn't answer his calls."

"Mom…I …I am not sure if I…"

"…it's okay Sara."

"You want me to forgive you…and you will die…that doesn't give me much time to forgive you…but…I don't know if I can do it that fast…I…I need time…", Sara swallowed hard and left the chair…she grabbed her jacket and leaned against the wall for a few moments. "I have to think…about all this…I…I have to find out what I feel…", she swallowed hard again. She left the room, softly closing the door behind her.

Grissom and Sara twined their arms around each other.

"How do you feel?"

"Weird. I…can't really tell you how I feel…I don't know…all I know is that there's something that I have never talked about with somebody else, something that I have to tell you…now…because…you are the only person I can talk to."

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Thanks for everybody who reviewed the last chapters, I hope you liked this one…it would be great if you'd leave a review ….tell me what you liked and hated. 


	7. deserved

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Warning: ANGST ANGST ANGST…. This deals again with the happenings of Sara's past, so if you don't like angst…don't read…otherwise…you have been warned ; )

* * *

**deserved**

_What has happened to her? What does she want to tell me? If I'd only know then I could help her. I want to help her so badly, but I can't…as long as I don't know what has happened I can't help her at all…I should have know that she didn't tell me everything when I was at her apartment. Why to hell didn't I ask her if there was more? And why didn't I ask her after she had been talking to the psychologist? I should have been there for her much earlier._ His arms were twined around her, her face still buried in his shirt. "Let's get out of here…let's go to the park…let's simply get out of here.", he whispered.

They walked in silence for a while, Grissom's arm lay around her shoulders, she leaned against him when they walked. They reached the golden Gate park after a few minutes. They took seat on a bench, Grissom dragged her closer to him. She now leaned with her back against his chest, his arms twined around her waist. He buried his face in her hair.

It was hard to find the strength to break the silence, he had to know about her past. If somebody had to know then it was him. "When I was…a little girl…I've been…", she spoke softly, her voice was shaking. "My father….he…", she swallowed hard, tears ran down her cheeks. "…he …I was….", _God I can't tell him…it doesn't work!_

Grissom's hands caressed her. "Sara…you know that you can tell me everything…and I will always be there for you.", he whispered.

"You think that you will…but you say this now…you don't know me at all Grissom…You don't know me…you don't know what happened to me! You don't know what my father did to me!", she cried out, she tried to turn away but he held her close to him.

"What did he do?", he whispered softly.

"When he wasn't drunk he was like a …he was a good father when he wasn't drunk… but there happened things when he was drunk…that I tried to forget, I always told myself that what he did to me where only bad nightmares, I locked these memories away. And now…now I remembered everything…I see all the pictures in my head again, I feel the pain again, I feel his fists punching me until I faint again and I finally realize that it wasn't only a nightmare, it was reality! It was all reality, it really happened….and….my mother isn't the one to blame…", she swallowed hard. "Hell I blamed her for all this…I always thought it was her fault that he died, that she did this because she…just wanted to kill him to be free for her new boyfriend…she killed him to save me…and I never realized this…hell I never realized this! I blamed her while she was probably saving my life…Sometimes I think that I must be so incredibly stupid!"

"You were a child Sara."

"Yes, I was a child, but this didn't keep my father way from me…that bastard didn't care about the fact that I was an innocent child… my father raped me…not only once, almost each night when he was drunk…first he punched me, smashed me against the walls if his fists didn't do the job to let me loose conscience…and then he…then he…he did what I locked away for so many of those bastards at work…and I never realized that he deserved the same…punishment as they did… I still blamed my mother for what had happened, for my stolen childhood, for my stolen innocence, for my stolen and destroyed youth…therefore that my whole life…that my whole life was destroyed by him… he had always been the good one when he was sober, he was the one who bought me ice cream…my mother never let me buy ice cream…he was the one who let me play with my friends and didn't take me home when we were in the middle of our games, my mother always did…he was always so nice…I always told myself… 'no, your daddy wouldn't do something like this…not if it would be wrong' …I thought he'd never do the wrong things… 'Daddy wouldn't do something wrong'…I told this myself all the time…and now I just realized that my father deserved it to die.", she said the last sentence with such a bitter tone in her voice that Grissom almost shivered.

He felt tears running down his cheeks, he pressed her against his chest. He felt her close to him, but somehow she felt so far away_. Now I know why she chooses emotionally unavailable men…now I know…she is so scared to go through the same hell as her mother did. She is afraid of putting her children through the same hell she'd been trough. If I could just do something to help her. I wish I would have known before, I could have been there for her…she had to live with this all her life, and I could never help her…and now when I know about it…I feel so damned helpless…it feels so horrible that I can't help her…and she feels even more horrible than I d…The only thing I can do is being emotionally available for her,…I already am more than I have ever been before…and I didn't scare her away…she wouldn't be here with me now if she'd be scared of me. …_He realized that she was staring at him, her eyes were glistering, he knew that tears were close to blurt out and run down her face. _I wish I could say something to let her forget about this, I wish I could make this undone._

Her hand stroke over his chest, she looked into his eyes_. A kingdom for his thoughts…if I would just know what he thinks. If he would just let me know_. She swallowed hard. "Grissom?", she asked softly.

"I…I wish I could…make this undone Sara…", he swallowed hard and put his arms closer around her.

"…we can't change the past.", she said softly.

"And I wish I could help you to live with this!…I wish I could give you all the strength you need to go through this."

"You do…Grissom you do help me more than anything else…finally I realized that…neither me nor my mother is to blame…it was him…he was the one who destroyed my childhood…", she swallowed the tears. "But…now when I know that…now I remembered what happened _then_, now when I finally realized that…_he_ is the problem…I know that I can live my life better _now_…I know that I can make it through this as long as…as long as you are…with me…I know I still have a long way to go…and you know that too…", she looked with him with such a deepness in her look that he was sure she could read his mind. "…I said that I wouldn't be ready for a…a real relationship…or even more…because…I was so horribly afraid. I mean, if you're in a relationship…there's a lot of passion involved, passion that will probably change into…something that causes all that what…what happened to my family. I  
am afraid to end up like my mother…and I…Grissom I don't know if…if I will be ready for a relationship in the next month! But you know that I love you…more than anything else…so please…give me time…give me the time that I need…"

"…Sara…everything is okay. I will be there for you, what ever happens…and you know how much I love you…if you're not ready then this is okay, I will wait…Sara don't be afraid to loose me…and don't be afraid to…to ever have to be in such a hell again…I promise, I swear that I will never hurt you."

"I know that you could never hurt me the way my father hurt me…or my mother…I just…don't know how to handle this at the moment."

Grissom still held her in his arms…wondering if she wanted to be that close to him. He swallowed hard. "Sara…if you want me to…take my hands off of you then…"

"No…no please…I need you….close to me…", tears ran down her cheeks, she snuggled against his chest, she buried her face in his shirt and pressed herself against him. "…I need you…I need you…" She twined her arms around his neck. "…I need you more than anything else."

His hands gently stroke over her back. "May I ask you something?", he broke the silence that had been between them for about half an hour.

She nodded softly.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Okay."

"I…I just need to know that…", he swallowed hard. "…promise me that you will continue your sessions at the psychologist."

"That's not a question.", she said softly.

"I know…sorry…actually this wasn't what I wanted to ask you...it just came into my mind right then."

"Grissom I know that I need help…I know that…and I know that I said that I wanted to do this alone…but to be honest, I could need your help…I am…still totally devastated."

Grissom swallowed hard. "You said that he destroyed your whole life…", he paused, he didn't know how to continue the sentence.

"If he wouldn't have done this to me…then…my life would have been different…my mother wouldn't have killed him, I wouldn't have been sent to a foster family, I wouldn't have…been the way I am…I wouldn't have been a Harvard student, I wouldn't have met you…I wouldn't be here with you now…"

Grissom swallowed hard. "…this sounds as if you regret meting me…"

"…I don't regret meeting you…I could never regret meeting you…but…what I was saying is just that…things would have been different, better maybe…don't get me wrong…I mean the past would have been better…I…I know that a future with you is all that I ever wanted and…damn it Grissom I didn't mean it the way I said it…I wanted to say that…"

"It's okay." _This hurt, she thinks, no she wishes that her past would have been different because she'd have a better life now…I wish she wouldn't have said that she'd never met me if that all hadn't happened, I know she didn't mean it that way, but why does this hurt so much? He swallowed hard. _He pulled away from her. "We should go back to the hotel now."

"I thought you wanted to ask me something."

"Why do you still call me 'Grissom'…and not 'Gil'…are you doing this to assure yourself that we are not in a relationship?", his voice sounded cold, he damned himself for this, he knew he couldn't blame her for anything she said or did at the moment, but he felt hurt, he wouldn't admit this to himself, but he had thought they'd already be in a relationship. She had been kissing him, they had spend so much time together, they had told each other how much they loved each other. He didn't get it how she could think they weren't in a relationship. Did a relationship begin with sex? Was it this? Then they weren't in one, but everything else they had shared with each other would have been a clear sign for a relationship. He had told her that he would marry her, he had told her that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and she had told him the same. How to hell can she think that this wasn't a serious, romantic relationship! He stared at her, not knowing what to do next. He couldn't feel anger for her, he couldn't blame her for his disappointment, he only knew that he hadn't done anything wrong…he hadn't read the signs wrong, and there wasn't room for interpretation, to everybody else it had been obvious that this was a relationship…he knew this shouldn't bother him at all, because in fact she loved him, she had told him that he was her one true love, _Again a sign for a relationship!_ , he had to give her some more time, he knew that he had needed years to show her his affection, he was the last one who was allowed to push her into this…but…it hurt, it definitely hurt and he couldn't help it, he couldn't hold her hand as long as she wouldn't show him at least that she understood him.

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Thanks to everybody who reviewed!

Special thanks to inlya for telling me that crying is good!

I would love to get some reviews btw


	8. I still see these pictures

disclaimer: i own nothing

AN: this chap is dedicated to inlya, thanks for brainstorming with me : ), and to LeAnn Rimes, because her wonderful music inspiered me!

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**I still see these pictures**

Sara stared on the ground. She knew Grissom wanted an answer.

_Why doesn't she answer? I asked her this question about twenty minutes ago, and she hasn't answered jet! I wish I wouldn't have said anything…I wish I…damn it! I have to know what she thinks, I need to know…_ "Sara…are you going to answer my question?"

She looked at him, tears glistering in her eyes. "I…I wish I could…but I…I can't…I have to…think about this."

Grissom swallowed hard. He saw tears running down her cheeks, the urge to hold her was strong, but he couldn't hold her now, he was too hurt.

"I have to think…alone…for a while.", she said softly.

He nodded. "Okay…we'll see each other at the hotel then."

"Actually I meant…I mean…I think I need more time alone than just a few hours." She swallowed hard, feeling the tears running down her cheek "I'm sorry…I don't mean to hurt you I…I just lost myself and…before I can…before I can go on with the life I want to live I have to find the strength to…to deal with all that stuff that…destroyed me…I…I can't go on like this."

Grissom lay his hand on her shoulder. "It's okay Sara…it's okay, I can understand you. And if you think that you need some time alone it's okay. I will go to the hotel, pack my stuff and go back to Vegas…and you'll come back when you're ready…and I will be there, waiting for you.", he said softly.

She looked at him. "I hate myself for hurting you."

He swallowed hard. "Sara…it's okay…as long as you promise me to fight, everything's okay…all I need to know is that you will get fine soon…I…all I want is that you are happy again."

"You will wait for me, will you?"

He nodded. "Sara, I love you more than anything else, I will never love someone as much as I love you…I will always love you Sara…and I will always be there for you.", he softly caressed her cheek. She took his hand in hers.

"Thank you."

After Grissom had left she watched the happy couples that were walking around everywhere. _Why can't I be happy? He could make me happy…something is so horribly wrong with me…I don't let him make me happy….I wish I could just forget about all my doubts…I wish I could forget all this pain…I have to get over this…hell, this is my last chance! He wont give me more…not if I keep hurting him._

A young woman and her 'boyfriend' walked over to Sara who was still sitting on the bench, tears running down her cheeks, her arms hugging her knees.

"Is this place free?", the young woman asked.

Sara looked up to the couple. "I was about to leave.", she said softly and stood up.

The way through the park was a torture, everywhere happy couples, holding hands, kissing each other every five feet of their way,

_This could be you…you and Grissom, you could be happy if you wouldn't be that stupid to let the fear of your past take control over you…you could be happy!_

four young mothers with their babies on their arms sat on the lawn having picnic,

_you could sit there on the lawn with your friends and your baby, if you would just get rid of this panic…if you would just get rid of your fear, why do you fear a relationship? What's wrong with being in a relationship? You could be happy Sara…why can't you just forget about it? He said that he wanted to be the father of my children… Why can't you let him make you happy?_

a father taught his son how to play baseball,

_This could be him, playing baseball with your son, he loves baseball…he could teach our son playing baseball and we would be in the park once a week and they would play baseball…I would sit on a bench watching them, I would see how happy they are and this would make me happy…I could be happy if I would just allow myself to be happy…Grissom could make me happy if I would just let him…if I would give him a chance to make me happy._

other couples with their children, who were taking their dogs for a walk or just played with them on the lawn

_You could have a happy family, you could do all that right that went wrong in your past…I can't fix the past but I can repair the future…Why do I fear to be I a relationship? Why am I scared, I see all these persons who are obviously happy in their relationships…and although this should show me how happy I could be, all I think about is what's behind their happy facades…When Mom and Dad were newly weds they walked through the park too…**I saw the pictures**…and when we were babies Mom was meeting her friends in the park and we had picnics…**I saw the pictures**…and when we were older Dad taught us to play baseball…he bought us ice cream…he cared for us….**I saw the pictures**…and we were going for walks on the beach and in the park…**I saw the pictures**…and then, when it was dark, when it was night, when he was drunk he began to hit us, he began to abuse me, he became a monster and our life became a hell…**I still see these pictures**…and at work, each time we have to work a case with domestic abuse or child abuse or rape or…all this stuff…**then I see the pictures of my life **and…**I see the pictures of the victims**…and I can't get them out of my head anymore…we meet people at the worst days of their lives…mostly their last days either…and all I see when I fall into my bed at night, when I try to sleep…all I see are the pictures of the victims, the pictures of my father hurting my mother, the pictures of my father abusing me, **the pictures of my destroyed life**….If I could just change the way I see the world…if I could just change me. I could be happy._

She had reached the end of the park, she turned her head back, seeing a father buying ice cream for his daughter. The thoughts of her father came back into her mind. _No! Don't think about this…don't even think about this…this man there is totally innocent…just because he's buying ice cream for his little daughter it doesn't mean he's abusing her! Not everybody is bad…why do I always think the worst of people? Why do I always expect the worst? Just because it happened to me? It's not fair to think always the worst of peoples…it's not fair to expect the worst, you could be much more happy if you'd just leave this alone…you should stop thinking always the worst Sara! I have to stop this!_

She left the park behind her, walking through the streets of San Francisco remembered her of her time at Berkeley, she remembered the day that she had met Grissom for the first time…the sun had been shining outside, the audience room in the university hadn't even been half filled…everybody preferred to be outside…other than hanging around in a room without windows listening to some guy who wanted to talk about bugs, actually Sara had been the only one who had been listening to him. She had admired him, she had listened to every word he had said, she had soaked it all up. After the last day of the seminars she had been walking down to him, she had talked to him while he had been organizing his files and notes. They had talked for almost an hour without realizing how fast the time went by…then he had invited her to have a coffee with him, they had talked the whole day, and when he had brought her home to her apartment he had kissed her goodnight. From then on she had never seen him again until he had asked her to come to Vegas…they had talked on the phone sometimes, and she didn't know why, but somehow she had hoped, even after all these years, that he had asked her to come to Vegas, because he wanted to be with her…but he had never talked about what had happened on that day with her…maybe this was too something that had depressed her in the past…_and now I could be with him…I could be with the man that I always wanted to be with since I had seen him for the first time…but what do I do? I send him away although he tells me how much he loves me…things change, things can really change…why don't you just let them change, why do you always have to think that thing must automatically be bad? Just because they have been bad in the past? This is no excuse…_

She had reached the hotel after a few minutes, she ran upstairs, hoping he would still be there, but deep inside she knew that he had already left. She entered the room and found a letter lying on the ground. She picked it up and opened it.

_'Sara,_

_I hope you are all right, I hope you'll find away to deal with this…you know that, whatever should happen, you can call me…I'm always there for you. I will be back in Vegas and in my house at about 6 PM tonight…so if you want to talk you can call…_

I love you Sara!

_Gil'_

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He sat in the plane, it would soon land in Vegas, he stared out of the window, looking down on the clouds. _I hope she's okay…I really hope she's okay…I shouldn't have left her…I shouldn't have left her alone. She didn't mean to hurt me…I should accept that she needs time…she didn't mean to hurt me and I should have stayed with her…what if she needs me right now and I'm not there to help her? What if she's lying crying on her bed and I'm not there to hold her? What if she needs me to be with her?_

He held his purse in his hand, he opened it and looked on the pic of Sara, it had been in his purse for years now…he remembered the day it had been taken so well, always wondering if she was sometimes thinking of that day…if she sometimes remembered the night when he had kissed her goodnight.

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okay...I hope you liked that chapter...I so wasn't sure about it first...soI rewrote it about 3 times or so...would be nice if you could tell me what you think of it...thanks : ) ...and a lot of thans to those who already reviewed, reviews make my day : ) 


	9. prove yourself wrong

disclaimer: I own neither Grissom nor Sara, but I own Ben and Melissa; P

AN: Thanks to **inlya **again! I wouldn't know what to do without you : )

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**prove yourself wrong**

The house was cold and empty without her. He sat down on the couch, checking his answering machine for messages, there were some, but none of them was from Sara. He missed her like hell, all he wanted was to be with her, sitting around in his empty house all alone wasn't what he liked anymore. A few months ago this had been his vision of a perfect evening, but now, after all he and Sara had been through…after he had confessed his feelings to her and they had lived here together for a few months, he had totally changed. Months ago he wouldn't have believed someone who'd told him that one day he'd sit in his living room wanting nothing more than having her around him.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Mom I just don't know what to do about this.", she sounded desperate and that was just like she felt.

Laura softly squeezed her daughter's hand. "You know what your problem is…all you need is to change it."

"That's so much easier said than done."

"You should go an talk to a counselor…Melissa is a counselor…you should talk to her."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not? She's you sister in law…she'll help you."

"I didn't even come to her and Ben's wedding."

"It was a wonderful ceremony."

"Mom telling me how wonderful the ceremony was doesn't help me at all…"

"…sorry."

"…no…I'm sorry.", Sara sighed. "I just…I mean I…I miss Grissom and…this whole thing is driving me crazy…sorry."

"Why? Why is everything driving you crazy Sara?"

Sara suddenly felt tears running down her cheeks, she hadn't felt as if she needed to cry, but now when she did she wasn't able to stop anymore.

"Hey…don't cry."

"I am just so scared."

"Scared of what?"

"That…that…I mean I know it's ridiculous…but…I just can't get rid of the fear that Grissom could do the same like Dad did….he's not like Dad, he would never hurt me, but…this fear exists and it wouldn't go away…what ever I try…it's still there. I can't help it."

"I don't get what your problem is Sara…you say he wouldn't hurt you…why are you scared then? There is no need to be scared!"

"I know…I know that, but I can't help it…I always think that…that whatever I do or whatever happens to me is bad…and will find a bad end…I can't help it…I just don't believe that something good would happen to me…my whole life has been a nightmare so far…why should I finally wake up?"

"Sara…you need help."

"I know that…I know that.", she said softly.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

_I could call her…I should call her…but what if she doesn't want to talk to me? What if she's angry if I call her because she told me she needs time alone…she would have called if she'd needed to talk to me…but I need to talk to her…I need to hear her voice…I need her so much and she's not hear…probably she needs me now…and she's just too afraid to call me…what if she's waiting for me to call?_

He dialed her cell phone number…but then decided to not call her. _She needs time alone._

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

She knocked on the front door of her brother's house. Her heart was beating fast, she had never been here before, she had never met her brother's wife, she had never seen their two daughters…she had avoided meeting her whole family since she had left Tomales Bay to go to Harvard.

It had been a one hour drive to her brother's house and she had been thinking about what she'd say and how she's say it…she was nervous.

The door opened, a young woman smiled brightly at Sara.

"Hi…how can I help you?", she asked.

"Uhm….I…I wanted to talk to Ben…is he there?"

"Nope…he's at work….you want to leave him a message?"

"Actually…actually I didn't only come to visit him.", Sara forced a smile. "I'm Sara…Sara Sidle."

"You are Sara? Oh my God! He talks so much about you!", the woman hugged her impetuously.

Sara was a little overwhelmed by the friendliness the woman brought towards her. They had never met before…and Sara somehow felt awkward with just coming around, without even calling to say that she intended to visit. "I hope I don't disturb you…if I do I can…"

"…no! No! We are so happy to finally meet you! Come in…can I get you something? Sit down in the living room, feel at home…I'll bring you something to drink? Okay? Are you hungry? Just say if you want me to cook something or so.", the woman talked as fast as a waterfall. "Oh…I'm Melissa by the way…"

Sara smiled brightly at Melissa…_she must be as nervous as I am._

"So…you want to drink something?"

"No thanks….I just came around to…okay maybe that's…idiotic…because we just know each other for about 2 minutes or so…but…well, my mother told me that you are a counselor…and…"

"…you need help?"

Sara nodded softly, feeling tears rising up in her yes.

Melissa walked over to Sara. "It's okay…we can talk…I will just tell the girls to not come into my office…you can wait there for me…the third door on the left…okay?"

"Thanks.", Sara said softly_. I feel so stupid…I just come around here and…hell what will she think of me…she'll think I am a total idiot…_

A few minutes later Melissa entered her office. It was a big room, with a couch and two armchairs, some flowers and pictures on the walls. Sara sat on the couch, Melissa took seat on the armchair in front of her.

"Okay…just to describe you how this is going…you don't have to tell me every little dirty secret…like you'd have to tell a psychologist…because I am no psychologist…I am a counselor, which means that I help peoples to deal with their problems…so I am not analyzing anything…most people don't sear for help because they don't want to be analyzed…I just help where I can help…so tell me what you think your problem is…and I'll do my very best to help you."

"My problem is that I fear that…I'm afraid to be in a relationship with the man I love…which is totally ridiculous…because…I love him, and I trust him…he's everything to me…but I…I am afraid to…"

"…okay I said I wouldn't analyze anything...but…sorry if I say this…I don't think that's the real problem."

Sara stared at Melissa.

"I think your problem is that you can't deal with your past…and that what has happened to you in the past has an major effect on your current life…you are afraid to be in a relationship because your father abused your family."

Sara sighed. "I don't know."

Melissa nodded. "I think so…the good news are that I know how I can help you."

"What are the bad news?"

"There are none."

"There are always bad new…everything good results into something bad one day."

"You should probably start with seeing things positive."

"I am not pessimistic."

"I never said this…but…you should definitely start to think positive."

"How should I be able to do this? After everything that happened?"

"Sara…tell me one thing…do you try to forget what happened or do you try to deal with it?"

"I know that I should try to deal with it…but actually I tried to forget it since the day it happened…it's not easy to change a habit."

"I know…we will have to work on that…listen Sara…the two of us don't know each other very well…but I know your history because Ben and I talked about what happened in your family…he wanted me to know about that before we got married…anyways…the fact is that…you don't have to feel uncomfortable…I mean…"

"…it's okay…I…I think after….after a while talking to counselors gets easier."

"You have been to one before?"

"Well…I have been at a counselor a year and a half ago because…well I was stopped by the police when I was driving under alcohol influence…and…I had to go to those sessions to keep my job…and I have been to a psychologist a few times after I had tried to…commit suicide."

"You tried to…"

"…please don't tell Ben about that!", she pleaded.

"It's okay…everything you'll say here is just going to stay between us…no one else will know about it."

Sara sighed. "Okay…I know that I need help."

"Okay, first you have to learn that not everything must be bad…you have to try to be happy…then you'll realize that not every good thing has it's bad side. Just try to accept the fact that you will be happy…try to…found a family…find love, get children, become a mother! Just accept that you can be happy…it might not sound simple to you…but actually, it is simple."

"I don't think that…"

"…sometimes we just need to prove ourselves wrong Sara…you are afraid that what happened to you in the past will catch you again and will happen again…prove yourself wrong and you'll start realizing that what happened in your past was horrible, but that there are really things that make you happy and that …are good."

"I don't see how this should help me…I mean…"

"…what do you think when you see a father and his daughter, together…somewhere…doesn't matter where?"

"I think….I think about my father and that he raped me…and I always think that the father of the little girl might do the same to her."

"And if you would have a daughter, you would see that not every father does this with his daughter…you would be proven wrong and you would start realizing that not everything is bad behind it's façade."

"I'm not ready to become a mother…I mean…"

"…then try it in small steps…begin with your relationship to…what was his name again?"

"Gil Grissom."

"Okay…you said you are afraid of a relationship with Gil…I think the reason for this is that you are afraid of getting hurt, physically…because your father hurt your mother."

"Maybe."

"Prove yourself wrong…that's the only way how you can get over it…or let's say…the easiest…otherwise you'd spend a lot of money for psychologist appointments."

Sara forced a grin. "I actually…don't think that this will work."

"You'll never know until you tried it…and…Ben would kill me if he'd know that I'm telling this to patient…but you're his sister, so…when Ben and I met…and we fell in love…he was panicking, I mean, he was afraid to be in a relationship…he was afraid he could hurt me…and…he proved himself wrong…he's a loving husband, he'd never hurt neither me nor our daughters."

Sara sighed. "Maybe you're right."

"Try it…if it doesn't work you can still try something else…"

Sara nodded. "…okay."

"Will you stay for dinner?"

"Uhm….I…I don't know…I don't want to…make any problems or so I mean…"

"..you _will_ stay for dinner."

Sara grinned, this time there was no need to force it. Melissa was so friendly and warm to her, she totally accepted her as a member of their family and this gave Sara such a warm feeling inside of her that she felt better every single second.

When Ben came home and they had dinner together Sara finally realized that Melissa was right. Sometimes there could, maybe, be a happy ending.

After the dinner Ben and Sara went out on the veranda and sat down on the two chairs on it.

"So…you and Melissa talked?"

"Did she tell you this?"

"No…Amy…Amy said that 'Mommy' was talking to you in her office before I came."

Sara nodded softly. "Yeah…we talked."

"About what?"

"That's not your business."

"You're my little sister Sar…I want to be there for you."

"Ben, I'm okay…really…now I am okay…I finally realized that…that not everything has to be bad."

Ben laid his arm around his sister. Sara snuggled against him. "I'm so thankful that you and Melissa are there for me…I mean…"

"…it's okay Sar."

Suddenly Ben's cell phone rang. He answered the call. When he hang up he had tears in his eyes. Sara stared at him, she had tried to find out to whom he had been talking, but he hadn't said much more than 'yes' and 'okay'.

"Sar…this…this was the hospital…it's about Mom."

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thanks to everybody who reviewed!

chap 10 will be up today/ tomorrow...I hope you enjoyed this chapter, if not please tell me what you didn't like...I love critcs, they help me getting better : )


	10. change the future

disclaimer : I own neither Grissom and Sara, but I own Melissa and Ben

AN: Thanks to inlya : )

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**change the future**

She buried her face into her brother's shirt, she felt tears running down her cheeks, she couldn't help it, although she had told herself not to cry, she couldn't stop the tears that were fighting to run out of her eyes. Ben's arms were twined around her. _This is not fair…I had just forgiven her and then…we're ripped apart for ever…I need her…and now she's gone…I don't want her to be gone! I want her to be here! I don't want her to be dead! I need her now!_

"Sara…let's go…we can't do anything anymore…", Ben said softly.

"No...No I won't leave now!"

"Sara…there's nothing we can do anymore…she's dead."

"Ben you don't understand this!...I had just…found her back…I mean…I had just realized that I need her…and then…then she dies…that's not right…it's not fair! She shouldn't be dead! I don't understand why you can stay that calmed!"

"Sara…I knew that she'd die for about half a year…and she had been ill before…this was…she's finally free…that's what she always wanted…no more pain…she's free now…try to see it that way!"

"I feel so guilty…I should have been there for her before." _I wish I would have been there for her before, I should have been there for her before! She was my mother! I should have known that she needs me…I am such a horrible daughter…I should have been there for her before…and I shouldn't have wasted all that time by avoiding to meet her again…we could have spend so much time together._

"Sara…all she needed was that you forgive her, and you did…that is all she ever wanted…you did everything you could."

"If I could just tell her how much I loved her.", she whispered.

"Sara…she knew how much she meant to you…believe me…that you came here and that you forgave her was the best thing that happened to her in the last years…hey…she knew you loved her."

They remained in silence for a while. Ben's arms still holding her. "Let's go home…okay?"

Sara nodded softly. _We can do nothing for her…she's dead, she'll never come back…I had just found her back and now I lost her again…but this time I can never find her back again…this is so unfair._

On their ride home both were quiet. Then Sara broke the silence. "Did she still live in our old house?"

"The B and B?"

"Yeah."

"Sure…she ran it until last year…when the cancer came back it was too much for her."

"Can you take me there?"

"I don't think that's a good idea Sar."

"Please." _I know that's a bad idea…but I have to get over this nightmare of a childhood…I have to see this place again, at least for one last time._

Ben sighed softly, but he knew if he wouldn't take her there she'd go there on her own. It was dark outside, it had began to rain about half an hour ago…he wouldn't let her neither, drive nor walk alone at this time, especially not in her condition.

He stopped the car near to the entrance door, they ran trough the rain as fast a they could. When they had reached the Veranda Sara noticed the bench, it had been there for ever, she thought…she remembered the night when her father had died. The two paramedics had taken care of her while she had been sitting on this bench…they had taken care of her until the woman from the foster care service came and picked her up.

Ben recognized that Sara was lost in thoughts. "Hey…are you sure that you…"

"...yes.", she said softly and followed him into the house.

Ben turned the light on. The way it looked in there was so familiar to her, nothing had changed. The reception desk was still on the right, she had been working there during her holidays when she had still been on high school, and there were still the same pictures hanging on the walls. The carpet on the stairs was still the same. She remembered how her mother had been cleaning it almost everyday…she had always told her that she did so because the guests needed a clean carpet, but Sara knew that she did it to wash her hands clean. And although the carpet had been cleaned each day, and although it was so many years ago, Sara could still see her father's blood on it when she was walking upstairs now. She knew it was ridiculous, nothing was visible, but she could see the stains. She knew where they had been…she still saw them, she could still feel the wet blood on her feet…it was as if this memory was hunting her, she couldn't get rid of it, she couldn't get rid of the pictures of blood, her father's blood.

She had reached her bed room. It still looked the way it had when she had left. She tried to remember how the room had looked like the night her father had been killed, there had been drawings on the walls, and the closet had been on the other side of the room. She knew that because she had hidden herself in the closet when she had heard her parents fighting. She had hidden herself in the closet more than once…maybe this had saved her life. She opened the closet, there were still shirts and trouser of her in it. "God I have been such a nerd.", she said softly.

"Yeah…yeah that's true."

She turned around. "Ben! What are you doing here!"

"I am the one who drove you here…"

"…I mean in this room…I thought you were downstairs!"

"I didn't mean to disturb you."

"You don't."

Ben looked at a dent in the doorframe. "My head or yours?"

Sara shrugged, her fingers softly running over the dent. "Don't know…might be yours, I wasn't tall enough.", _this bastard never cared about how old we were…he simply smashed us against the doorframes, walls, closet doors…he didn't even care._

Ben swallowed hard. "You never got over it, did you?"

"How should I?", she said softly.

Ben took a deep breath and twined his arms around her.

"How did you get over it?", she asked softly.

"Melissa gave me the strength I needed…but…you know I never had it as hard as you had…I feared to be as brutal as he was…that was my greatest problem…I thought I could hurt her or our children."

"But…how did you forget about what happened?"

"We can't forget about what happened…if we forget we are in danger to do the same…if we don't forget…we can make it right."

"But…how can I live with what has happened?"

"Accept hat it's a part of your life…don't forget how horrible it was, but always remind yourself that now your life is much better…that's the only way it works…and if you feel like all the memories are hunting you…talk to someone about it…talking helps much more than you might think…but maybe I'm only saying this because my wife earns her money with listing."

Sara laughed softly. "This sounds so easy…I doubt that it can really be that simple."

"It needs some time…but believe me…Sara this is the only way how it really works…we can't change the past…we can only change our future."

They walked through the other rooms. Sara looked at the walls, still feeling as if she was able to see her father's fresh blood on the walls. She swallowed hard, trying to ban these thoughts from her head.

"What's wrong?", Ben asked concerned.

"It's nothing…just…I can still see his blood everywhere."

"Maybe we should leave."

"What is going to happen with the house, now when she's dead?"

"I don't know…I'd sell it…but,…on the other hand…I mean it's your decision too, but…I'd like to reopen the B and B."

"Changing the future.", she said softly.

"Yeah…what do you think?"

"That's a good idea…really."

They remained in silence until they left the house.

"We will have to plan the funeral.", she said softly.

Ben looked up to her. "Will you call Gil?"

She nodded softly. "I sent him home yesterday…I bet he thinks I totally lost my mind when I ask him to come here again…but…I need him."

Ben smiled softly. "You love him."

"I do…more than anything else…I wouldn't still be alive without him…and…I wouldn't have made it here without him…I am so glad he convinced me to come here…if I couldn't have said goodbye to Mom…I mean…I would have felt guilty for the rest of my life! I would have never been able to forgive myself."

When they had entered Ben's house Melissa had already prepared the guest room for Sara. Sara let herself fall into the queen sized bed. She dialled Grissom's number on her cell phone.

"Sara!", his voice sounded relieved.

"Hey.", she said softly. _Oh god…he will think I totally lost my mind when I ask him to come back…he wont come back, I don't deserve it that he comes back._

"Are you okay?"

"My mother died.", she felt tears rising up in her eyes again.

"Oh my God…Sara…Sara I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry."

"I need you Gil…I need you so much right now.", she began to cry.

"I'll take the next flight…where are you now?"

"My brother's house." _He will come…thank God…he wont leave me alone, he'll take care of me…he wont leave me alone._

"Okay…Honey I will be with you as fast as possible."

"Thank you…", she tried to stop crying, but she couldn't help it. "…thank you so much."

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some reviews would make my day : )


	11. alive

disclaimer: I own nothing

AN: thanks to everybody who reviewed so far! You always make my day: )

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**alive**

It was 28 hours ago that he had received Sara's call. He had tried his best to get to San Francisco as fast as possible, now he was on his way to Tomales Bay. It was night, almost two AM, it was raining and the streets were dangerous outside. He should have worried for himself, but all he could think about was her. In his mind he saw her lying on her bed, tears running down her cheeks, and she was all alone. He wanted to hold her in his arms, he wanted to be there for her, he wanted to take care of her, he wanted to kiss her tears away and he wanted to make her smile.

He reached Tomales Bay after a while and he soon found the address Sara had told him. He pulled the car into the parking lot and stopped it. He almost jumped out of it and ran over to the entrance door. He knocked trice and waited.

One minute later the door opened. He looked at Sara, her eyes were red, she must have cried without a pause for hours, she wore a beige velour track suite, her hair was in a ponytail. _Oh my God, she must feel so horrible, she must have cried all night, I wish I could have been here before, I shouldn't have left her here alone. I should have stayed in Frisco although she had told me to leave…now she had to go through this alone. I wish I would have been here earlier! _

Without saying anything she twined her arms around his neck. She pressed herself against him. He slipped his arms around her waist and caressed her back. She buried her face in his wet jacket, he softly kissed her on her hair. Then he lifted her off her feet, she twined her legs around his waist, his hands slipped under her thighs to hold her. Now she was facing him, looking deep into his eyes. _He's here, he's finally here…I have missed him so much!_ Her right hand caressed his cheek. _He really loves me…he came all the way from Las Vegas to Tomales Bay, just to be with me…just to be there for me. Sometimes actions say so much more than words…he just knows what I need. And I so love him for that._

He entered the house, carrying her on his arms. She leaded him to the guest room. They entered and he let her down on the bed slowly. Then he took off his soaked wet jacket, he let it drop to the ground. He kneeled down on the mattress next to her. He never took his eyes off of her. Although tears ran down her cheeks, she looked so incredible beautiful. His hands caressed her cheeks, she leaned up o him and their lips met. First they shared a couple of soft kisses, then they deepened the kiss. His hands slipped down her arms and than he softly massaged her hips. Her arms were twined around his neck. She moved against his chest, pressing her breasts against him. When their lips loosened they shared another soft kiss, then he pulled away from her, she laid back on the bed, he leaned over her, he stroke a strand of hair out of her face, softly kissing her cheeks.

"I am so glad you are here.", she whispered, breaking the silence.

"I told you that I'd always be there for you, no matter what happens, through good and bad times…and I will never break my promises…I will always be there for you Sara.", he whispered softly into her ear.

"Your clothes are all wet…I'm so sorry that you had to wait in the rain all the time."

"It's okay…really. I have dried clothes in the car…it's okay." He rolled on his back, now lying next to her. She snuggled against his chest, his arms holding her close to him. She buried her face between his head and shoulders. He could feel her tears on his skin. He wished he could do something to comfort her, but he knew nothing he could do would comfort her enough to ease her pain.

"Gil…I…I want to be with you. I love you and I need you…I need to be with you. I am sorry that I hurt you with saying that I am not ready for a relationship…I was afraid…afraid that something similar to my mother's nightmare could happen to me…I had to think about…why I am scared and…I realized that…", she was shivering, her voice was shaking and her heart was running fast.

"…Sara…Sara it's okay…we can talk about this later.", he said softly, stroking trough her hair. _I hate it when she is sad, I hate it when she is hurt and I can't see it when she cries. I_ _don't want her to feel this horrible. There must be something I can say or do to make her feel better! There must be something!_

"No Gil…I have to talk to you about this…I have to explain this to you…I realized that there is nothing that I have to fear. As long as I am with you I am…save…you can give me what I was searching for…for all my life…you can make me happy…you are the only one who can make me happy and who can give me the feeling to be safe and…salvaged…I know that I can trust you…I was so stupid to…to not realize this immediately…I'm sorry…I know I hurt you."

"You could never hurt me Sara.", his thumbs caressed her cheek, wiping the tears away.

Her hand stroke over his chest. She snuggled closer against him. "I miss her so much…I had lost her years ago…and now when I found her back…she is taken away from me…that's so unfair.", she whispered.

"I know…I know.", he softly kissed her on her hair.

"I never had the chance to tell her how much I loved her.", she cried out.

He twined his arms around her, holding her close to him.

"I feel so…so guilty…She will never know how much I loved her."

"But she knew that you had forgiven her…she knew that you had realized that she hadn't been responsible, she knew that you didn't blame her for what had happened anymore…and I am sure that she knew how much you loved her…don't feel guilty Honey, don't feel guilty. You don't have to feel guilty. Sara you did anything wrong."

"I wasted so much time…I should have tried to forgive her before…I wasted so much time of my life hating and blaming her…I should have tried to forgive her…I should have been there for her….she had cancer for years and I never knew about it…I should have taken care of her! But what did I do?…I left her alone!…and I have not even been there for her when she died. She was alone, she was all alone.", she was crying even harder.

_Oh my God. I wish I could do something to comfort her. I don't want her to cry. I don't want her to feel guilty. She is not guilty…she is not guilty._

"I left her alone when she needed me the most!"

"No Sara…that's not true! Sara that is not true…you were there for her, she needed you to forgive her and you did. You have been there for her…you did more for her than she ever expected you to do. I am sure you did everything you could and even more…Sara you are not guilty. You are not guilty of anything.", he felt tears running down his cheeks. He had known that it hurt him to see her that unhappy…he had never expected that it would hurt him so much that he'd start crying too. "Sara…Sara you are not guilty."

_Is he crying? Did I make him cry? Oh my God he is crying because of me._ She looked up to him, she was shaking, she caressed his cheek, trying to wipe his tears away…he reached for her hand and squeezed it softly. "I love you so much.", she whispered softly.

He turned to her, now laying on his side as like she did. They lay face to face. He laid his arm over her, pressing her close to him. His hand caressed her back, then it slipped under the track suit jacket, he caressed her soft skin. She kissed him softly, her hand stroking through his hair. _It feel so right to be here with him. Melissa was right…I don't have to be afraid. And I just proved myself wrong. A man who cries for me would never able to hurt me…he loves me. He really loves me. And he feels so good. I wish this moment would last forever. I want him to hold me close to him for the rest of my life._

"I wish I could do something that would make your pain go away…Sara I wish I could do something to ease your pain…but I don't know what else to do than holding you. I'm sorry…I wish I could do more."

"You do so much for me! Gil you…you do more for me than you think. Gil…you don't know how much you comfort me…what you do for me is…is totally right. Gil…you comfort me so much. The fact that you are here, lying next to me, holding me…crying with me…Gil that comforts me more than anything else could."

He took a deep breath. "Sara…Sara I wish I…I could do more."

"You don't have to do more.", she kissed him softly. "I love you…more than anything else."

They snuggled against each other, they both fell into a light sleep.

She woke up by the sound of the birds in the garden. His arms were still twined around her. She softly pulled away from him and left the bed. She walked downstairs and outside the house. She sat down on the veranda, the rain had stopped, the sun had already risen and the air was fresh and clean. She took a deep breath, feeling the air filling her lungs. For the first time since days she felt as if new life was running through her veins. For the first time in days she didn't feel empty, she didn't feel totally lost, she felt alive.

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Some reviews would make my day : ) 


	12. the right memories

**AN: **A lot of thanks for all the reviews! Thank you so much guys! Reviews always make my day! I know I probably torture you with my English, it's not my first language and…it's actually not easy for me to write in English. And I am glad that, although my English is not perfect, so many people like my story.

For those who thought chapter 11 was the last chapter…nope it wasn't : ) There will be 14 chapters.

Thanks to everybody who encourages me, especially to inlya and Sara Sidle Grissom.

**Disclaimer: **I own neither Sara nor Grissom, but I do own Melissa, Ben, Joanna and Hannah.

**Dedicated to: **Everybody who still reads my fic you guys rock!

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**The right memories**

Her heart beat fast, she walked through the dozens of people that had been invited to the funeral, …now she stood in front of them. _I can't do this! I can't talk about her in front of all these peoples!_ She took a deep breath, staring in the faces of all these persons. They were strangers to her, she realized once again that she had never known her mother. _How can I do this? They all knew her so much better than I did…it's so ridiculous…just because I am…I was her daughter, I am supposed to say something…that is…ridiculous…they all know her so much better than I did!_

_That is so hard for her…She was afraid of this for the last three days. I wish I could stand next to her, I wish I could hold her hand…I wish I could be with her._ He stood in the front row, not taking his eyes off of her.

"I am…glad that you all came to…to say goodbye to my mother…seeing that she had so many friends…so many persons who loved her…this spends so much comfort…I am sure she would be happy if she'd…if she could see us all here…", _Hell…this was bad…I'm not made for such stuff…I am so bad in this…oh what would I give for a hole in the ground in that I could simply jump and disappear! _"…I would lie if I would say that I don't think that it's unfair that she was taken away from us…but…I know that…it was a salvation for her, now she is free from her pain, she is freed from the torture she has been through…now she is free…I will miss her…I had just found her back and then she was taken away from me…but I am…I am so thankful for the time I could spend with her…because no one will ever be able to take this away from me…and…and as long as we think of her, as long as she will remain in our memories she will always be a part of us, she will always be in our hearts, she will live on in our memories….we all carry a part of her in us…she had an effect on each of our lives and…this is something so…valuable…I will never forget her and I will never forget what she did for me.", tears were running down her cheeks, she had tried to swallow them, she had tried to not sound weepy, she knew she had failed both, but she didn't care about this anymore. She turned to her mother's casket. "I will miss you Mom.", she spoke softly, wiping tears away from her cheeks with the back of her hand.

She walked to Grissom, he twined his arms around her. She buried her face in his shirt, twining her arms around his neck. Now she let out all of her tears, she wanted to cry, she didn't care about the peoples around her, she didn't care if people were staring at her, her mother was dead, she had the right to cry for her, …as much as she wanted to cry.

_I wish I could do something to comfort her…but I can do anything but holding her…only time heals wounds…but I so wish I could heal all her wounds right now._

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The funeral was over, Grissom took Sara's hand and they walked down to the beach. They walked in silence for a while, then he laid his arm around her waist, dragging her close to him.

"How do you feel?", he asked softly.

"Better."

He nodded softly. Then he stopped, twining his both arms around her waist, leaning forward to kiss her softly on her lips. Her hands caressed his neck, one hand slipping up into his hair. She deepened the kiss, pressing herself closer against him. He laid his right hand on her cheek, caressing her softly, then his hand slipped down to her shoulder. She softly pulled away from him, looking into his eyes. "Thank you.", she whispered.

"For what?"

"For being here for me…for caring for me…just for everything. You give me so much comfort…you…you do so much for me…and I am so thankful for this."

"Sara…You don't have to thank me…"

"…this is not a matter of course…Gil you do so much for me…you…you are saving my life."

He stroke a strand of hair out of her face. "You are saving my life Sara Sidle…you made me change, you made me realize that there is so much more to live than only work…I love you.", he whispered into her ear.

She kissed him passionately. But his words wouldn't stop her tears.

"Hey…what's wrong Angel?"

"It's…all these people…they were all friends of my mother and…they were all strangers to me…they…I knew not a single person except for you and Ben's family…I didn't know my mother at all…and …this eats me up…I mean…I had the chance to get to know her…but I always blamed her for everything that went wrong in my life…I thought I would know her…and I was so damned wrong about that…I thought she was evil in person, I thought she…I thought all she ever wanted was, destroying me…she killed my father to save me, but I thought that she killed him because she wanted to get rid of him…I thought she …it doesn't matter what I thought because it has been all proven wrong…and…this makes me feel so bad…I always thought the worst of her…but in fact she must have been a great person, she had so many friends, so many people that loved her, Joanna and Hannah loved her, she must have been a great grandma…I feel so horrible because I never gave her a chance, I never gave her a chance to be in my life, I never gave myself the chance to let her in my life. She called me…each Christmas Eve, each birthday, each Thanksgiving….I never answered the calls, she spoke on my answering machine, and I would delete the message immediately without paying attention to what she told me…I threw all the letters and post cards she sent me into the trash can without opening or reading them…she came to Vegas trice, trying to talk to me…I locked myself into my apartment, I turned the music on as loud as possible so that I was sure that I wouldn't hear her words….I didn't want her to have a place in my life, I thought she wasn't worth it…and I blocked all my memories of her out of my mind…I thought I wouldn't need them, why should I remember the woman who killed my father? Why? I know so much of my father, although he was the real bastard, he was evil, he was the one who shouldn't have had a place, neither in my life nor in my memory…why did it take me so long to …to understand the truth…to find the truth…why?", she spoke softly, tears running down her cheeks, her voice was shaking, her whole body was shaking. Grissom caressed her softly, trying to calm her down.

_I wish I could do something for her…I wish I could help her…but she can't change it…and I will not be able to change it…we can't change the past…God knows that I would do everything to change her past! I would do everything to make her forget about all her pain._

"…I remember that my father brought me to Sea World one day, I had so much fun…he bought me tons of ice cream…and…and afterwards…afterwards he did what he always did with me.", her voice got bitter. "I remember so many moments that I spent with my father…moments, that I thought were great…and…I just started realizing that they were nothing more than…I mean he was just nice to me to…to pretend he was the _perfect_ father…that he took care of his daughter…and…and he wanted me to be nice to him….GOD, I mean….how stupid have I been to not realize this! I always blamed my mother…for all my life and…Gil I feel so horrible…she didn't deserve it to be hated, or blamed by me…she risked the death penalty to save me from him…and I never realized this! I must have hurt her so much…and…and she never gave up fighting for me…she fought for the daughter that didn't want her, she fought for the daughter that has not even one single memory of a 'happy' moment with her…all I can remember is that she was stern, never let me do what I wanted to do, her work was the most important thing in her life…this is what I thought…Why did it take me so long to realize that we, Ben and I were the most important things in her life…she…she risked her life for us…I…I feel so horrible…I did her wrong and…I will never know if she forgave me…I hope she knew that I forgave her, that I realized that I was wrong about her, that I loved her, that I still love her…but I will never know if she forgave me."

Grissom could do nothing more than holding her close to him. She was still shaking, her face was buried in his shirt. She cried a long time in his arms, when she looked up to him her eyes were red, her tears were lightly coloured black by her eyeliner and mascara. Her upper lip was trembling, she looked into his eyes, he caressed her cheek with his thumb. He leaned forward and kissed her softly. He softly nibbled on her lip, she deepened the kiss, brushing her hands through his hair. Suddenly she pulled away from him. He threw an asking look at her. "Take me home…take me home to Vegas, please.", she said softly.

Grissom nodded. "I will Honey,…I will." He caressed her back, his hands slipping under her blouse. "I will take you home."

She sighed softly. "…I…we…we have to talk about something else Gil."

He looked at her. _What does she want to talk about? Does she want me to…to leave her alone again? Does she want me to…leave completely? But why did she ask me to take her home then? What…what does she want to talk about? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt her? Oh my god…maybe it's all too fast for her_…his hands loosened from her, he stepped a foot away from her.

She could see the panic in his eyes. She reached out for his cheek, caressing it with her thumb to show him that there was no need for him to worry. "It's…it's just that…we should decide where I am going to live…I mean…I don't have a job anymore and…if I am not going back to my apartment then…you know it's expensive to…"

"…I want you to live in my house. Move into my house, completely, please."

A soft smile flashed over her lips. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yes…more than sure…and…and I…okay actually I don't know if these are good news but…I talked to Ecklie and…he said…if you…if you would agree to work for Catherine's shift and…if you would agree to have counselling sessions to control your …like he said… 'uncontrollable fits of rage'…then you could get your job back."

Sara swallowed hard. _This is going to be the hardest decision in my life…I already know the answer…don't I? …working for Catherine? Never. But he…he talked with Ecklie…that must have been…horrible for him, Ecklie…he talked with Ecklie! I mean…this is so…this must have been abasing…if I'm telling him that I can't do this he…all he did was in vain and…he will be so horrible disappointed._

"Sara?…Sara…do you want your job back?"

She swallowed hard, laying her hand on his chest…she caressed it softly with her thumb. "I…I don't know…if I can do this…I…need time to think about this."

"But…but I thought this job was your life."

"You are my life.", she whispered softly and kissed him.

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**TBC**

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it...although the end was a little 'blah'...would be great if you'd write a review, I'd apreciate it


	13. the offer

AN: Okay…I hope you like this chapter : ) I really had some problems to write it because I had so many different ideas for a possible storyline…but this is how it is now : )

To be honest my head is exploding at the moment, it's full of ideas and…yes I already plan to write a sequel…: )

Many thanks to: inlya, for always helping me and encouraging me : ) thank you so much!

Dedicated to: my dog Roy : )

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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**The offer **

The last two months after the funeral had been full of ups and downs. She lay in their bed, staring up to the ceiling. He had left for work five hours ago, she still hadn't left the bed. There was no reason for her to stand up…why should she? She still had no new job, her friends weren't awake that late at night and there was nothing on TV that was interesting enough to justify leaving the warm bed.

The memories of last night ran through her head again and again. His hands touching her softly, his lips kissing every inch of her body, feeling him so close to her…feeling him doing things that she had dreamed of for years. She couldn't force the bright smile on her lips to go away. Even if she would have wanted to be in a bad mood, she couldn't…not after last night. It had been the first time that they had slept with each other…she didn't know why it took them two months until they got to that point, she only knew that last night had been the perfect moment for it…probably they both hadn't been ready for the next step before, but it had felt so right last night. For the first time in her life having sex with someone had felt right to her, for the first time in her life there hadn't been pictures of her father raping her, running through her mind, for the first time in her life, she didn't feel the urge to cry the hell out of her eyes after having sex.

The ringing telephone ripped her out of her thoughts. She left the bed slowly and answered the call. "Yes?"

"Hey Honey."

"Hey.", her voice cleared up.

"What are you doing?"

"Not much…I…I actually didn't even leave the bed…well until now."

"Are you bored?"

"Bored is maybe the wrong word…"

"…you still can work for…."

"…no…no I rather die of boredom than working for her."

Grissom sighed. "Okay…okay…I know we argued enough about this…I just called to ask if you'd like to have dinner with us tonight."

"Us?"

"Nick, Greg, Sophia, Warrick, Catherine and me."

"I haven't seen anyone of the boys for months…"

"…is this a 'yes'?"

Sara sighed softly. "When?"

"After shift."

"Okay…will you pick me up?"

"Sure I will."

"Fine. See you then."

"I love you."

A smile flashed over her lips. "I love you too."

She sat down on the couch…._have I just said yes to a dinner with Catherine? Oh my God…did he arrange this to get me and Catherine making up with each other? Is this his plan? No…he wouldn't do this…would he? He wants me to work again…he wants me to come back to CSI and…and as long as me and Catherine have this argument going on…I wont come back…is he really doing this? He wont….he wont do this…he wouldn't even get such an idea…he probably knows that the problem is that argument Catherine and I have, but…I told him this more than a hundred times…he wouldn't even make up such an idea…would he? He changed…he totally changed in the last months…maybe he…hell I shouldn't even think about this._ She stood up and walked over to the kitchen. She cooked herself a coffee and leaned against the kitchen counter. _Would he do this? Could he? …Damn it that coffee is too hot!_ She spit out the coffee. _Damn it! This is just a dinner! A dinner with my friends…okay except for Catherine and Sophia they are my friends…._

She walked back to the living room and turned on the TV. _I have to think of something else, otherwise this dinner will turn into a catastrophe, it will be a torture anyways…_She zapped through the channels, not able to find anything interesting. She decided to watch ALF, _better than nothing_…she sat down on the couch, leaning back against the pillows. She realized that Grissom's sweater hang over the back of the couch, she reached out for it and dragged it close to her. She buried her face in it and took a deep breath. _It smells so good…it smells like Grissom…I wish he would be here…I wish he would hold me in his arms right now, I wish I could snuggle against his chest and close my eyes, dreaming of him. I wish he would be here! _

She turned her head to the TV, _I need to think of something else!_ But it was hard to focus on the show, she already knew the episode, actually she had seen it about four times.

She left the sofa and walked back into the bedroom. She sat down on the bed, her hand slipping over the sheets. _I wish last night would have never found an end. I wish we would still lie here in each other's arms, kissing each other, feeling each other…I hate it to not see him all the time…maybe I should think about working for Catherine again?…hell did I just think this!_

She left the bed and began to flick through her clothes in the closet. Wondering what she should wear for the dinner. He hadn't told her where they'd go, she figured it wouldn't be too elegant, unless the restaurant was Catherine's choice. She decided to wear a black pair of trousers and a dark red and beige spaghetti top.

The phone rang again. She rushed to it and answered the call.

"Yeah?"

"Am I talking to Sara Sidle?"

"Yes."

"Hi…my name is Andrew Bing…I am working for the San Francisco Crime Lab…I am calling because of the job you applied for about six months ago."

"Oh yeah…", she swallowed hard…_hell I had already forgotten about this._

"…Well we decided that you are the perfect person for this job…so if you still want it, you can start next month."

Sara swallowed hard again. "Uhm…you are calling me at 5 AM in the morning to offer me a job?"

The man laughed. "Well you stated that we should call in the time from 3 to 7 AM…your telephone number must have changed…your former landlord gave us this number."

"Yeah…yeah."

"So…can we expect an answer for the offer?"

"I…", she cleared her throat. "..I need time to think about this."

"Okay…you are our first choice,…take your time, but…we'd need your answer…next week…is that okay?"

"Sure…yes…okay.", she swallowed hard.

"Fine. Good bye."

"Bye.", she hang up the phone. She sat down, her hands were shaking. _What shall I do now! What! This is…the job I always wanted! I could work as a supervisor…I…I wanted this job…but by the time that I applied for this I hadn't been with Gil, I was unhappy with my job, I was completely unhappy with my life and I wanted a change…and now…now I am with Gil, the man I love, he lives here, he works here…no way I would leave him for a job…I couldn't do this…but…I always wanted this job…I can't leave him…never…on the other hand…Frisco is not that far away…and…no…Sara don't even think about this! You can't stay a single day without him…you can't even stand six hours without him…_

By the time that Grissom's shift was finished she had straightened her hair, finished her make up and had found a matching pair of shoes. Her mind was still a battlefield. She didn't know what to do…

When Grissom entered the house she had already waited for him on the couch. He walked over to her, she turned to him and smiled brightly.

"You look so great.", he said softly.

"These are just simple clothes."

"You always look great.", he smiled brightly, leaning forward to kiss her.

She turned her face away.

"What's wrong?", he asked worried. "Did I do something wrong Honey?"

She swallowed hard. "No…no you did anything wrong…I did.", she said softly, staring down on the ground.

"What's up Honey?"

"I…some time ago, about six months or so…I applied for a job…in San Francisco, as a supervisor at the San Francisco Crime Lab… "

"…you applied for a job? Six months ago? You were still working for my team six months ago! You…"

"…could you please let me finish?"

"Sorry."

She took a deep breath. "Today they called me…they said I'd be their first choice."

"So you…are going to work for them? You will move back to San Francisco?", his voice was shaking. _I don't want her to leave! I don't want to loose her again! I can't loose her again!_

"I told them that I need time to think…"

Grissom almost jumped up from the sofa. _She needs time to think! She needs time to think! She has to think about this!_

Sara reached for his hands, trying to calm him down. "Gil…Gil please, please try to understand me…I…I wanted this job so much…but…don't get me wrong…you know that I wanted you more than anything else since the day I met you…"

"…and now when you got me I am not interesting enough anymore?"

"No! Don't get me wrong, please! Gil I love you more than anything else…you are my life! I just…you know that I…love you…Gil I can't even stand a day without you…don't even think that I would want to leave you! I need you more than anything else…but this job…is an opportunity…it's a real chance…it's an honor…I mean…I am their _first_ choice!"

"Do you want this job?"

"Yes."

"So you are going to leave me…"

"…No…no Gil I will never leave you!", she dragged him down on the couch again, she climbed over his lap, shifting her weight on her knees, that lay left and right from his thighs. Her hands now on his cheeks, forcing him to face her. "Gil…I will never leave you. You asked me if I want this job…and I said 'yes' because it's the truth…I wouldn't lie to you…now ask me if I want you."

"That's ridiculous."

"Ask."

He sighed. "Okay…do you want me?"

"More than anything else." She could see that his eyes were glistering with tears. She ran her hand through his hair. "Gil…I love you…I will not leave you…you are my life…you know that you are my life…I will never leave you. Never ever! You wont get rid of me…never…even if you wanted to." She leaned forward to kiss him, but he turned his face away. "Hey…what's wrong? Don't you believe me?", she sounded desperate. _I shouldn't have told him about this job offer! I shouldn't have told him about it…he is…disappointed…he is angry…I never wanted him to be angry…I shouldn't have said anything…_

* * *

**TBC**

**Thanks for reading : ), I would apreciate some reviews : )**


	14. arguments and kisses

AN: Okay…this is the finale chapter, I hope you'll like it : ) Thanks to everybody who reviewed! Your reviews made my day : )

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Tanks to: Everybody who reads this story: )

**Thank you !**

* * *

**arguments and kisses**

Grissom didn't say a single word to her for the whole ride to the restaurant. She sat on the passengers seat, not taking her eyes off of him. _He is still angry…If I would just know what to do…_

He pulled the car into the parking lot, stopped and left it without waiting for her. He walked over to the entrance, not caring whether Sara was following him or not. She ran after him, her shoes making dull sounds when she did so. She caught up with him at the entrance door. She was out of breath and tried desperately to calm down until they reached the table where the others were already waiting for them.

"Sara! Hey!", Greg jumped up from his seat and hugged her impetuously.

"Hey you.", she smiled warm at him.

Warrick, Nick and Sophia were the next ones that stood up to hug Sara. Catherine didn't move at all…but Sara actually didn't care about this. Grissom sat down next to Greg, and Sara sat down next to Grissom.

"You're late.", Warrick said grinning.

"We were delayed by something…important.", Sara said softly, looking at Grissom, hoping he would react to what she said…she didn't care how, she just wanted a sign that he was at least listening to what she said.

"Whoa…something 'important'…how _important_ was it?", Greg asked grinning.

"Sara got a job offer…she's going to work for the San Francisco Crime lab.", Grissom said bitter.

_Did he just say this! Did he just say this! Haven't I told him that I wont leave! _

"But I thought the two of you…", Catherine started.

"…well you know Catherine, this is what I thought too…but she thinks otherwise about this."

_Is he really saying this? This must be a nightmare, a bad joke…is he really saying such a crap!_

She was speechless, everybody was staring at her, she didn't know what to say.

"You will leave Vegas?", Nick asked softly.

Sara shook her head. "I wont…", now everything was blurting out of her. "No I wont leave Vegas, and I told you this Gil! How the fuck can you just start telling such a crap here! I told you that I wont leave! I told you more than once that I wouldn't take this job! I told you that I would stand by you, I told you that you are my life and that I could never leave you! Why are you telling them such a shit!"

The others were staring from her to him, back to her and again to Grissom. No one knew what to say. Grissom bite on his bottom lip, staring on his fists. "Oh come on Sara, let's face the truth! You wouldn't be happy with me, knowing that you could have had that job! We both know that."

"What!", she sounded as desperately as she was. "You know that you are the only one who can make me happy!" _hell doesn't he know that!_

"You know what…we should maybe…leave you two alone and…I mean, you two really need to talk.", Warrick said softly.

"No…No you will stay! We are going to have this damned dinner now!", Sara said angry. "Just because he thinks that he can let out his frustration , about only God knows what, on me, you are not going to leave. He wont destroy that evening.", Sara said angry.

During the dinner everyone was quiet, it was an awkward situation for everyone. Neither Grissom nor Sara said at least one word for the rest of the dinner. When they had finished and everybody was about to leave, Grissom went to the rest room. Only Sara and Catherine remained at the table.

Catherine swallowed hard, looking at Sara who was staring down on her hands. "Hey…he will calm down."

Sara sighed. "I don't understand why he…why he reacts like this…I didn't give him any reason for this. I told him that I wouldn't leave…I told him that I love him more than anything else, I told him that I can't live without him, I told him that he is my world, my life…but…he…he got totally crazy…he freaked out…and I don't know why.", she felt tears running down her cheeks, the pain in her heart increased.

Catherine reached out for her hand. "Hey…I am sure he will calm down…don't worry…I think he is just concerned…he is afraid to loose you…he doesn't know how to deal with this…he never had a relationship like this to any woman before and…he just doesn't know it better….and in addition to this he really had a bad day."

"What happened?"

"He had an argument with Ecklie…I don't know why…I think it had something to do with the teams…I'm not sure…I wouldn't tell me…his mood just changed from good to horrible…that's all I know."

Sara sighed. "I shouldn't have told him about the job offer. I shouldn't have said anything…but I thought I'd have to…I mean, he trusts me! We live together…we…we love each other and…I thought he should know… I thought he would maybe be proud of me…I mean I was their first choice…I thought he'd congratulate me…I mean…I thought he would know that I wouldn't leave him…he should have known…I told him…and…and then he starts telling such a shit to all of you…he it totally out of his mind….He…I don't understand why he did this! If he would have freaked out like this at home…okay, I could have understand it, maybe…but this…this was too much! I mean…who does he think he is! I don't understand why he is doing this to me!"

"Give him some time to calm down."

"It's just that I am so angry."

Sara saw Grissom returning, she looked down on the table again, not trying to hide her tears from him. He looked down at her, signalising Catherine to leave them alone. Catherine nodded and left.

Grissom sat down on the chair next to Sara, taking her hand into his. He caressed her fingers with his thumb. He turned his chair so that he was now facing her side. "Look at me.", he said softly.

She turned to him, biting down on her bottom lip. He caressed her cheek and wiped the tears away. "I'm sorry…I overreacted…it's just…"

"…I don't want any explanations…and I don't care if you are sorry…sorry, but…I don't want to hear this now…do me a favor and take me home…just take me home and stop touching me.", she stood up, grabbed her jacket and waited for him to stand up. Grissom sighed, he left his seat and followed her out to his car.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Grissom had prepared the couch for himself, he knew Sara wouldn't let him sleep in the bedroom tonight. He had heard her taking a shower half an hour ago, he had snuggled himself into the cushions of the couch, trying to focus on something else but her, but it was more than impossible. _Why have I done this? Why? I should have known better, I hurt her so much with that…it's no wonder that she wasn't willing to forgive me! I am so stupid! _Suddenly he heard the bedroom door opening. He heard the sound of her bare feet on the ground, he heard her coming closer to him. She stopped next to the couch. "Come to bed Gil…this is ridiculous.", she said softly.

He sat up slowly. It was dark, but he could see a soft smile of her lips. She lend him her hand and he reached for it. He stood up and followed her into the bedroom.

She stopped at the bed , he twined his arms around her waist, kissing her softly. "I'm so sorry for everything I said Angel…I am so sorry…I was s stupid! I was more than stupid! I wish I could make it up to you…I would do everything…I am so sorry."

She caressed his cheeks. "It's okay…it's really okay…just…believe me when I tell you that I will never leave you…okay?"

He nodded. "I…I should maybe explain why I…was in such a bad mood…I…I was talking to Ecklie, asking him if…I mean you said you wouldn't work for Catherine, so I tried to convince Ecklie to let you work on my shift again…but he…he wouldn't let you, so…I was frustrated…because all I want is…that you are by my side…always…and…when I came home after this conversation with Ecklie…I had swallowed the frustration because I was looking forward to hold you in my arms and…and then you tell me that they offered you a job in Frisco and…somehow my whole world broke down in that moment…I…overreacted…I was disappointed, I…I'm sorry…and this thing in the restaurant was…more than…I mean…I would hate me for this if I were you…"

"…I could never hate you! I love you much too much to ever be able to hate you."

His hands slipped under the jacket of her track suit, he caressed her skin and kissed her passionately. They sank down on the mattress, kissing and caressing each other. Sara snuggled against Grissom's chest, his arms holding her close to him. "I love you…Sara I love you so much…I thought I would loose you again…I was always afraid that I would loose you again…I am 15 years older than you…I thought it would be impossible that you could ever love me…that you might ever want to be with me…I am so afraid to loose you again…Sara you are my life!"

Sara rolled on her back, Grissom caressed her now bare stomach. Looking down on her. "Gil…you once said that…you would want to be…the father of my children…do you still…want to be …the father of my children?", she could feel her heart beating faster…she had thought about asking him this questions since weeks.

"Yes.", he whispered softly, kissing her passionately.

His lips loosened from hers minutes later. She caressed his cheek with her thumb. "Thank you for saving my life…thank you.", she whispered, deepening the soft kiss that he gave as response moments later.

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**THE END **

Thanks to everybody who reviewed…I know the end was somehow lame….but I promise the sequel will be online too and…there will be much more angst and much more emotions : )


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